Now Norma Knits

A Facebook Conversation Gone Wild

...with apologies for the bad formatting. I was definitely having challenges with the print screen function and cutting and pasting and pulling it into the blog....

             

(Before I made good on my threat to post this, I got the permission of [most of] those involved.) 

 

 

sdrawkcabssA

I may have to get a new smartphone soon. I dropped my BlackBerry last week and cracked the front, and although with a hard reboot (or whatever the correct terminology is) everything seems to be working right now, it really does feel like time to move on and get a device that meets my needs better than the BlackBerry, which is quite clunky when it comes to the internet.

I love everything about the BlackBerry for the way I use it, but as with all gadgets and computers and software that touches my fingertips, I drastically underutilize it. I am no Luddite, but I am somewhere near the opposite of what seems like 90% of the rest of the modern world who get positively 

RAPTUROUS

about whatever the latest toy is and whatever the latest app or game is. I have very little use for most of the crap. I love to text and I love getting my email and I talk on the phone on occasion and I need it for my business. I like the calendar and I love getting Weatherbug on my BlackBerry. And I love love LOVE the real QWERTY keyboard. Those virtual keyboards just about creep me out (though my nephews have faith in me that I can learn and adapt). 

Other than that, the BlackBerry is pretty much a brick -- partly because I don't have the desire or need to make it more -- but mostly because of its own limitations. When I'm in an unfamiliar place, looking for a restaurant or needing walking directions or just needing to do a quick Google, the BlackBerry just doesn't cut it. It is so slow and clunky, it's ... um... pretty much a brick.

So my contract with my provider is nearly up -- and the provider and my lack of service at my house, even though the tower is only two blocks away (and the phone will alert me that I AM ROAMING IN CANADA when I am sitting in my home office) and their failure to address it after many years of complaints is a whole other issue. 

Don't get me started on that. I'm talkin' to YOU, Verizon. I don't want to hear a bunch of "I hate Verizon" comments, but I am thinking of switching to AT&T just because of this issue, unless Verizon will give me what I need to correct that. Because I am told that AT&T will give me what I need to correct that issue. 

I'm still thinking about it and talking about it with a lot of people (yes, the chorus of I LOVE MY iPHONEs is screechingly, ear-piercingly loud), and I'm still deciding, do I really want to get an iPhone or not. (Because I really dislike Apple and their policies.)

The one thing that may tip me over the edge, it turns out, is something so totally uncharacteristic of me that I am stunned to learn it:

The cases.

Holy crap. I have now spent probably no less than six hours surfing the web looking at iPhone 4 cases. 

Come on. Are you kidding me? This seems to be a multi-billion-dollar industry.  

And my head has been turned a little bit. Nay, my head has been turned a LOT. 

I don't know if I can link you to an Etsy shop without you having an account -- that's how little experience I have with Etsy (though I do have an account, and I have bought a few things there). For those who don't know what Etsy is, it is defined here. 

So I will take the liberty of borrowing a few photos (I hope the sellers don't mind) and link the sellers as well.

Just the tip of the iceberg, people:

Gorgeous wooden cases from this seller (WoodKaseUSA), and reviewed here.

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These leather ones are killing me:

From this seller (RobbieMoto)

And then, a different look, equally attractive to me, but in a totally different esthetic (Click for bigger), from this seller (tovicorrie)

And I could go on and on. I have even found some commercially produced ones that fit my esthetic.

In the end, it'll come down to me deciding what my real needs are. But in the meantime, it seems perfectly logical to me to buy a case before I even make the decision to buy an iPhone. 

Right?

 

 

Duct Tape Got Nothin' on Us Here in Vermont

Was walking down Main Street on the way to a restaurant last night, when I saw this:

"Rip your car? No problem; we'll just sew it up for you!"  

Only thing that would have been better is if those had been knitting stitches.  

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P.S. I know you are alarmed. Mr. Jefferies and I both forgot that yesterday was Tuesday. Hell, we even forgot it was a day! We did not really intend for the blog to be dark yesterday, but somehow or another we got too busy or distracted or something.  So here is a gratis Mr. Jefferies picture, taken by Mindy on the Hipstamatic camera at Jenn's party, just in case the sewn-up car isn't enough for today.

Fake Boyfriends (Putting This Post Up In Lieu of The Other One -- You Know What I'm Sayin')

When I worked at the BBC, Jeremy Paxman worked in the next room, though he might as well have been on another planet, since the Subtitling Department was a completely unknown department, and though the newsreaders walked right through our department, we all used to laugh that we were invisible to them. They literally had no idea who we were or what we did, we were convinced. We used to make a very bad joke about a certain historic family, hidden and invisible in the walls beside the newsroom. I guess if Harry Potter had been invented then, we could have made up a story that we were inside some sort of portal in the walls like in the Potter stories.  

So anyway, I used to have this mad crush on Jeremy Paxman, and he was my fake boyfriend. He was such a brainiac and kind of cute, though many of my colleagues referred to him as "That Fucking Jeremy Paxman."  I don't know why. Hee. I stood behind him in the tea line once, and he said hi. My knees buckled just a little bit.  

But here he is now, 16 years later (how did THAT happen?!) interviewing a comedian I only just learned about recently from a friend.

 

Double Entendres All Over The Place

My good friends the I Love Female Orgasm people came to titillate and entertain and educate the UVM crowd again the other night. I was so tired at the beginning of the event that I was pretty much on auto-pilot for the entire two hours, except for that middle part where I had to pee so bad I was all shades of red and I'm quite sure my autonomic nervous system was about ready to volcano, after I first had a brain aneurysm. I should not even joke about that, since I'm super-paranoid that that is how I'm going to die. But thank goodness they break out into groups, and while the males were filing back into the room, I ran against the tide of them, shouting to them, "Go slowly!" and I ran into the lady's room and had a pee while my friend Marshall kindly delayed things for a couple of minutes until I got back in my chair. 

I'm not even sure if I made any bloopers or not. Seemed like I did OK, because I had a record number of kids come up to me after the show to ask how it is that I did that -- and also to ask if I were the one doing the Bo Burnham show. Really, a huge thank you goes out again to Bo Burnham for doing what he did -- he incorporated my captioning into his show and tried to stump me (I won). It was funny, and it was so great to finally let people know that it's done by a person and not a machine. I think I sort of have a crush on that poor kid. Cougartown, fo' sho'. Like, jail bait. 

But yesterday I had to go out to get a new thumb drive, and I told a friend that I was headed to do that. Friend asked, "Is that a euphemism for something else?"

No. If I were going to talk about my vibrator, especially the very morning after the above-mentioned show, I would just go ahead and say so.  

Well, Thank Goodness It's Not a Nigerian Prince. At Least That Part Is Refreshing.

Hello,
This message may be coming to you as a surprise but I need your
help.Few days back I made anunannounced vacation trip to London,UK
.Everything was going fine until last night when I got mugged on my
way back to the hotel.They Stole all my cash,credit cards and
cellphone but thank God I still have my life and passport it's such a
horrible experience,Another shocking is that the hotel manager has
been unhelpful to me for reasons I don't know. I'm writing you from a
local library cybercafe..I reported to the police and after writing
down some statements that's the last I had from them.

I've been to the embassy and the Police here but they're not helping
issues at all,they asked us to wait for 3weeks but we can't wait till
then. Our flight leaves in less than 4hrs from now and we are having
problems settling the hotel bills.

The hotel manager won't let us leave until we settle the hotel
bills.you can speak with him through this number +447024087578 his
name is Richards James. we are freaked out at the moment,you can wire
the money to me through westernunion all you need is Name on my
passport and location below

Receivers Name:Kathy Harry
Location:14, Lexham Gardens,London W8 6JE United Kingdom
Amount:$2,650

I'll def refund your cash as soon as i get home.

 

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My reply:

Dear Kathy,

This IS shocking! Shocking! I'll def wire you the money. But first, would you mind telling me what hotel you stayed at that cost you $2,650 for a few nights' stay????  WTF?! That must be some place. I'll be sure not to stay there the next time I'm in London -- it's not even in a safe neighborhood, from what I can tell!

Thank GOD the muggers did not take your passport or your life. SRSLY, that would have been bad. Otherwise, how would I know who to send the money to??????  And thank God for local library cybercafes that you can get to even though the hotel manager is holding you hostage.

Really, at the end of the day, even though there are muggers out there, it's a pretty good world. Don't you agree?

Well, I must close this out. I know time is of the essence, and I should get right over to Western Union so I can send you the cash. Cheers! And I hope the rest of your trip is not nearly so nasty. Just in case you have any other emergencies, I'll send you my checking info and bank PIN.

Love,

Norma

P.S. Are you any relation to Debbie Harry?

 

& I Love You

Recently I asked a friend to proofread a document for me, & gasp! - he did not like my use of the ampersand.

Not long ago, I also saw a tweet (& ugh, how much do I dislike that medium?) from the Fake AP Stylebook, which is one of the few things in my Twitter feed that I enjoy, & it said this:

Avoid using ampersands in place of the word "and." We've talked & talked about this.

[& insert laughter here]

& slightly off topic, do you notice a trend that I prefer fake news & fake stylebooks much more than the real thing? Of course, it's only knowing the real thing & getting the humor of those spoofs that make it worthwhile enjoyment. I sometimes repost in Facebook some of the things from, say, The Onion & Newsarse & get comments from some very literal types who do not recognize it as irony or satire & OMG, does that ever make me roll my eyes & twinkle inside my humor button, too.

But anyway, what's all this prejudice against ampersands? I think they're so pretty -- curvy & luscious. Surely there are much more egregious errors, such as the constant & ubiquitous misspelling of it's & its & they're & their & your & you're. The ampersand is a perfectly good symbol for a perfectly good conjunction.

& look!  There is a blog celebrating the beautiful ampersand here!

& another one about the mesmerizing curves of the ampersand here.

See how pretty?

& I'm thinking I will use them as much as possible now, just because I can.

& thanks for the blog fodder, buddy!

And (refreshing to see the word "and" now, innit?) in a separate but somehow related topic, I've been devouring one of the books I brought home from Nova Scotia:

How that photo of the cover looks so, um.... well.  It was inadvertent; I really mean it.

But anyhow, one of my favorites from the book is on page 128:

"Waterworks - Trouble with your waterworks means your pisser isn't working right."

I think I love Nova Scotia even more than I thought I did.

 

 

For My 51st Birthday...

...I went to Victoria's Secret for a new bra, and while I was there I figured what the hell, I'll only be 51 once. I sprang for the total makeover. The results were amazing! This is what I look like now: 

 Thank you for reading and commenting on my blog. You keep me young, always thinking, sometimes mad, and always laughing. 

You know what? 51 doesn't feel bad at all.

Born Norma Mae Jarvis, 8 lb. 3 oz., July 18, 1959

Not One Photo

I didn't take even one photo of my 4th of July. 

Not even of the 99-year-old gentleman I met who was a POW in WWII and who is growing 51 tomato plants (and who knows what else, but I have the understanding "everything") in his garden this year, nor the somewhat younger, rather eccentric man who was driving him in the parade in a really excellent red 1965 Corvair convertible. And we stood there and talked for almost two hours before the parade started. I'm a dolt!

Not of how well behaved Mr. Jefferies was walking in the [first] parade [by the second one we were all a bit frazzled and our walking conditions were, shall we say, sub-optimum], or when he wasn't walking, being carried in the front pack so nicely and being a wonderful little voter magnet. I'm a dope!

When we were actually walking the parade, I have an excuse. I really didn't have any hands free. It was so godawful hot that I was carrying an umbrella to give me and Mr. Jefferies some shade (a little trick I learned from Chinese tourists in Paris one searing-hot summer, because we in America aren't smart enough to figure it out on our own, except Americans once knew this in the Sawth, but never figured it out -- or were too ornery to try it -- in the Nawth). 

So anyway, with the leash and the umbrella, I was fresh out of hands. I have often said I need a full complement of servants to follow me around. Maybe in the next life. 

But isn't the small world of the internet and Facebook, and all the rest of it, wonderful? In the second parade of the day, in Alburgh, we were walking along and I heard, "Norma! Is that for the [inaudible]?!"  

I had to run to the side of the street to ask my old friend Wendy, who was sitting in amongst a crowd on a porch, to repeat herself. "Is that for the seagull poop?" She is a woman who worked in the bank with my mom for what seems like forEVER, and I had very recently found her on Facebook. She had read about the little unidentified falling object story the other day. 

Of course! That's what I should do from now on! Carry an umbrella at all times to protect from the falling seagull poo!!!!!  

I sure do wish I were a caricature artist or a cartoonist.....I have exactly the perfect picture of me in mind.

Life is good when you can laugh. 

Happy Independence Day!

Happy Independence Day to the Americans -- Happy Sunday to everyone else! 

I have to appear in two parades today, as the wife of a candidate. In choosing my wardrobe last night, I decided against wearing the gift that my Salt Lake City friends sent me:

Sound decision? 

Happy 4th -- May many fireworks light up your life.