An Ode To Misshapen Carrots

Oh, carrots.

Each year I plant you. 

And nurture you.

And love you.

And hope.

And each year you stab me in the chest.

I treat you nice, like all my other garden children. 

But you are my nasty child.

I wait and wait for your sprouts to emerge.

(Because you are hateful.)

(And selfish.)

(You sneaky little shit.)

And I water you and care for you. And your green tops look so pretty.

And then, when you are the right size, I thin you out so that you have ample room to grow. 

And your green tops look frondy and luscious,

and make soft, loving promises.

You fill up the bed and smell so sweet.

You whisper, "I love you, too, Sweetie. Don't worry. I'm right here, growing for you. You'll be so happy, I promise."

All the while, you are cavorting with the bad boys on motorcycles. 

 

Twerking in that soil, you grotesque little hussy.

WHY you gotta be spiteful that way?!

You distorted beast!

That is ... I can't even.

Twisted.

And distorted.

And sick beyond belief.

--------

Each year I believe you.

And each year you say:

"SUCKAHHHHHH!"

..........

So....

maybe...

next year,

then?

 

Comments

[Emma]

Maybe what you should do is follow the example of the show growers here. A tall container filled with a sandy soil, previously sifted for stones. There's even a blog post about it:
http://keithfoster.wordpress.com/2010/12/14/growing-exhibition-carrots/

I'm loving your blog posts.
I'm hating my current spam infestation.
I shall blog once school starts next week. I promise. xxx

[Jenn C.]

If it makes you feel any better, I read a while back that the craze for "baby carrots" came about because farmers were tired of 50+% of their crops being too oddly shaped for commercial sale. I don't think it's just your carrots.

[Cookie]

Have you ever considered that they might like it rough? ;^)

[Norma]

OMGODDDDDDDDD, Emma! That blog post, and those carrots, are giving me palpitations!!! They are surreal!!!!!

[gayle]

Our carrots are sneaky little bastards, too. Usually, they wait to germinate till after a rainstorm, so they can get washed away and sprout in the path instead of the nice little bed we've made for them...

[margene]

The blogpost Emma shared was amazing. She's right about soil, plus leaving your carrots in through a couple of cold months will sweeten them, too.

[Mary Lou]

I couldn't face another year of carrot shame. I quit. These photos have strengthened my resolve.

[Julie]

I got one bunch of relatively normal looking carrots this year, but only because I planted them in the new bed filled with fresh soil. Usually with our clay filled soil I don't get anything.

And I love your misshapen carrots!

[kmkat]

Just sift your entire carrot bed next spring before you plant them. Guaran-damn-teed to produce beautiful carrots. It's the pebbles (or boulders) in the soil that make for warped carrots.

[kate]

my mom grew them in double height painters buckets (my dad jurried them together) with playsand/potting soil mix and let them go until almost october- long, straight, sweet carrots.

[anj]

I was told by a boss once (when I lived in Boston) that the only way to get carrots was in buckets filled with sandy soil. And that any other way you will not get edible carrots. So give it a try.

[Deb]

We had a truckload of carrots like this that arrived at the Foodbank. There were a sight. Never show anything like them before. We had hardly any takers.

[Seanna Lea]

Some of those carrots are awfully kinky looking. Can you just call them heirloom and pretend they are all supposed to look that way?

[Gretchen]

At first, huh, interesting. Then, wow, kinda gross. And then I started laughing. And laughing. Not too hungry for carrots at the moment...Vintage Norma!

[Kristen]

I love my mutant carrots. They taste better than the non-mutants. I especially enjoy the looks I get when I pull out my purple carrots at lunchtime. MWAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!