Bottom Optional?

Those of you following me on Facebook undoubtedly caught my rant on this already last night. How could you NOT? I admit I was going a little bit nuts about it. But [realizing this should BE the biggest of all our problems, eh?] I'm still just a little bit outraged.

I'm getting ready for a tropical vacation, which is a very rare event in my life. As I have mentioned once or thirty times before, when one is a self-employed person it is extremely hard to plan actual vacations. In the past when I have done so, I have inevitably chosen to schedule my vacation the very week that a lucrative job comes in the office, which follows and is followed by an extreme drought in work. So I pretty much gave up planning vacations a few years back. One's "vacations," such as they are, are often foist upon one unwillingly. In order to make a living, one has to be around to catch the work when it flies in on the silver wings of a dove. It really is rather aggravating at times, this self-employment thing. 

Anywayyyyyyy, I ordered a swimsuit from Spanx. It's ridiculously expensive, but I thought I deserved a nice suit, and I figured it would instantly transform me into a glorious goddess of the beach and the sun. You know -- as they do. See? I'd look just like this:

However, it arrived last night and the order was not complete. THERE WAS NO BOTTOM.  [Wow, I will really need that Brazilian wax now.]

I called to tell them. [Not about the Brazilian. About the missing bottom.]

And the uber-cheerful and perky thang who answered the phone told me that I had only ordered the top. And she further went on to say that "it even says so, right on the page."

So I [had not yet sunk into the sneaky hate spiral that I later sunk into] said to her that that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. A tankini is, by definition, TWO PIECES, and the price certainly indicates that it is NOT A SEPARATE, but a whole swimsuit. But I believed what she said, told her I was nonetheless upset, that I'd be sending it back, and hung up the phone. 

Then I went to the computer and pulled up the site. And this is what I found. In the unlikely event they change the site based on my complaint, I'll copy and paste it here:

Chic Trim Halter Tankini

$128

Look stunning while you're sunning with this SPANX swimsuit. Chic trim detail in front flatters the silhouette while halter design offers ample support and coverage for the "girls!"

• Full coverage halter features flattering chic trim in front
• Adjustable halter top, customize for your perfect fit
• Soft swim cups for light support and modesty
• Playful sweep flatters midriff
• Made of luxuriously soft, super-premium jersey fabric

-------------------------------

I immediately called back a second time and re-expressed my displeasure, saying that the woman had told me that it said so right on the page, but it DOESN'T. And reiterating that it says swimSUIT, and that a tankini is by definition two pieces. And the price certainly is commensurate with a not-cheap swimSUIT, not just a halter top. And I said that I can't believe they won't be inundated by more of this same complaint on this. The helpful man who answered the phone listened politely and said he would "pass it along." I am not convinced that he will, so allow me to vent here, wouldja?!

My complaint, again, ad nauseam:

It is called a SWIMSUIT. It describes that the halter top adjusts for support. Etcetera. And on the bottom of the page, it says that I might also be interested in some other girdles bottoms, but nowhere does it say I'm only ordering the top and that the bottom is sold separately. And I repeat for the umpteenth time, it is called a swimsuit. Not a halter top. Not even a tankini top, but a tankini. On the previous page, there is another tankini for sale. It has much of the same language, but includes this line: "For even more Spanx shaping support pair with the Basix High-Rise Bikini Bottom." This, to me, suggests that the bottom that comes WITH the suit provides less support. I was thinking it would be a bikini bottom, like most tankinis I have seen, and that if you wanted a full-body swim girdle, you could get their "high-rise 'bikini' bottom." It in no way says that it does not come with a bottom, or that you have to order it separately.

Dear Sarah: Here is the easily-found definition of a tankini, all over the web:

Definitions of Tankini on the Web:

• The tankini is a swimsuit combining a tank top, mostly made of spandex-and-cotton or Lycra-and-nylon, and a bikini bottom introduced in the late 1990s. ...
  en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tankini

   

• A bathing suit composed of a tank top and the lower half of a bikini
  en.wiktionary.org/wiki/tankini

   

• A contemporary style of swimsuit that combines the comfort and coverage of a tank top with a traditional bikini bottom.
  style.ralphlauren.com/glossary/default.asp

   

• A two-piece bathing suit with the upper portion resembling a tank top.
  www.mollybloom.com/style-glossary/

-------------------------------

The resort I am going to I think has a top-optional beach, but I don't think they have a bottom-optional one. Perhaps Sara Blakely can tell me where to go that I can wear this "suit."

She'd better hurry, before I tell HER where to go with her overpriced halter top and her cutesy-wootsy language about "the girls." They're called breasts, Sara. You're a billionaire now. Let's grow up, shall we?

That is all.  

WTF Wednesday indeed.

Comments

[sil]

Oh my! That's insane! Plus it makes no sense.

Might I suggest you go to the Newport News catalog swimshop and look at the Fx collection. I've had great luck with those suits and they're cheap if you get them from the sale page. I buy several at a time and you'd probably still spend less than that halfkini you bought.

Linkie here:

http://www.newport-news.com/shop/category_splash.aspx?womens-swimsuits&gp_coll_id=2012&gp_cat_id=7505&gp_trav_id=7003

[Sarah]

First, I have to thank you for introducing me to hyperboleandahalf back whenever you did, as it has been a wonderfully bright spot for me.

Yep, definitely for the Wednesday. It's November, so I don't think we're supposed to use FOAD Thursday, otherwise, it would work for that, too.

[Seanna Lea]

I am pretty sure that the tankini I have from Macy's (from 4+ years ago) was a two piece, but unfortunately all of the one's I have seen in the Title 9 catalog are 2 separate pieces that you pay for separately. I'm not in love with that pricing model at all.

[Carole]

That's ridiculous. L.L. Bean sells many of their swimsuits as separates but they are very clear about it.

[gayle]

I'll bet it's a test of their customer service department - they're trying to piss off as many customers as possible and then watching how the CS reps handle the calls.
It's the only explanation that makes sense...

[Elizabeth]

Whoa, she should know better than to mess with The Norma!
I would definitely assume I was getting the bottom.

[Becky]

Well, it is ridiculous, but more importantly, SO disappointing. You anxiously await the suit, then NO SUIT! I hate it when that happens. Hope you still find the perfect suit, and have a wonderful vacation.

[Patty]

Go Norma Go. Ridiculous. Hope your vacation is fabulous though!

[Anne]

While I do agree that they should explicitly state that the page is only for the top, well...

I went to the page you linked to, and in all fairness, at the left side of the page? The category is clearly "separates". I'm sorry to be the bitch to point this out. :-( It's the sort of thing I would not have noticed had I not been looking for it. Which does go back to the point that they should be beating you over the head with the fact that you are only buying the top, and the picture should be labeled "shown with blah blah blah bottoms".

[lisa]

waaaaaaaa

I am forever on the search for a tankini with a long torso. And with straps so I can wear an old bra under it... I've tried those from Athleta that are long torso DD cups, but they're no DD's I've ever seen... maybe they'd cover a B.

But at least they had bottoms.

waaaaaa

[Natalie]

Ack! Hope they fix this properly. Their web site in no way makes it clear you're getting just a top.

[Joannah]

Looks like someone in marketing woke-up on the stupid side of the bed when they came up with this idea...not the best way to get a bunch of happy customers, people!

[Vicki]

Well, kudos to you for even shopping on line for swimwear. Last time I shopped for same, I was in and out of the dressing room a million times... and ended up returning everything unworn. Bleh. I hope you have some fun in the sun... topless, bottomless, in the nude, whatever floats your boat, hon.
XO

[Juls]

Classic. Having shopped for a tropical vacation myself, I find that it is typical to see that kind of outrageous price and totally inadequate written description of the product. Makes you have to go to the mall which totally defeats the point of catalog shopping!!!

[Lori on Little Traverse Bay]

Their copy is ABSOLUTELY misleading. If it were me, I'd have to send it back because I'd be so mad I wouldn't want the bad karma of wearing it, lovely though the top may be. Also, calling breasts "the girls" is really juvenile---that alone would put me off. (But I grew up in a house where we used anatomically correct terms because my mom was a nurse.)

[Elaine]

WTF, indeed. Crazy.

[morenna]

Eep! Hope you find a swimsuit solution before heading out on your well-deserved vacation!!

[Lynn in VA]

I HATE SPANX! Everything about them. Especially the coy copy. And the skinny models who do not need to wear spanx. If they were at all honest they would show a model with a roll of fat bulging out at the waist where the elastic ends.

But never mind. I wanted to tell you that every damn time I have bought a swimsuit before going on a tropical vacation I have kicked myself because all of the resort shops are filled with really cute suits, at the same prices as the mall at home. So unless you're going on one of those rustic vacations with no cute shops, just take whatever old thing you have already and buy a new one there.

And we're all dying to know where you're going!

[elizabeth a airhart]

i live zone 9 florida forget the spandex

i agree with lynn in va

good night lucy

[Lisa R]

To be fair, while it doesn't specify that the bottoms are separate, neither does it specify that they are included. Buy top and bottom swimwear separately is actually rather typical, in my experience.