Be Sure You Wear Clean Underwear

This is a story for Margene.  Her surgery has been postponed to Friday, so I just want to make sure to tell her that the old warning our mothers always gave us STILL HOLDS TRUE.  Believe it.

I am not telling tales out of school by blabbing about this:  Margene shared with us (you may have missed this, but I have a memory like an elephant), a long time ago in her "100 Things About Me" post, that she hates wearing underwear.  We are personal friends and I know this is true -- she's always telling those around her that they, too, should try going commando. She's a girl from the '60s -- what can I tell ya?  Go commando!  The air feels nice!  No pinching.  No twisting.  No elastic to press on the nerves or on the tops of the thighs.  No panty lines!  It's awesome.

TMI ALERT!

Me too sometimes.  No, not ALL THE TIME.  Now I just know that every time you see me, you'll be wondering.  And of course that is EXACTLY WHY I'M WRITING THIS POST.  Heh.  

But there have been some times when this was a problem, and I just know you want to hear all about them, in excruciating detail.  

Don't you?  

Come on.  Admit it.

1.  I don't need to remind my Sisters of a Certain Age that our -- ahem -- times of the month are like, WHEN?  WHERE?  When was that last period?  Didn't I just HAVE one last ---- Uh, when was that, again?  It's a pain in the ass, even more than usual.  Am I right?  And of course it's always at the worst possible time when I'm visited by The Curse -- the day when I'm not anywhere near home, the two tampons I had in my purse have disintigrated and I've only just YESTERDAY cleaned out my purse and thrown them away, I have a packed schedule and can't get to a drug store, and all the tampon machines are not working, not stocked -- or worse, the new bathrooms don't even have them sometimes.  What a great fiscally responsible and esthetic initiative that was.  Really it IS more important to have beautiful artwork in the bathroom than having a tampon machine.  I totally agree with that trend -- no, I really do! -- because women menstruating is soooooo last century.  

Recently I visited Fletcher Allen Health Care's Breast Care Center for my routine mammogram.  MEMO TO FAHC:  Your public bathrooms don't have tampon machines!  WHY?!  Do we need to have a bake sale to raise money for the tampon dispensers?  Or what?

I'm in trouble. I've unexpectedly started my period, I'm wearing a lightweight khaki-colored skirt, I have classes later in the day.  But no problem, right?  I'm in a top-rated women's health care facility.  Surely they have tampons stuck behind their ears and falling out of file cabinets and in baskets like floral arrangements in the bathrooms.  

Right?

Wrong.  Not one sign of feminine hygiene products anywhere in the Breast Care Center's bathroom.  We do breasts here, people -- NOT vaginas!

So I go back to the front desk. I'm doing the longest kegel of my life -- it should be in the Guinness Book of World Records, this kegel -- and I'm walking like I have the proverbial corncob up my...you know... while I say, "I've got a little problem.  I need a tampon, like, TEN MINUTES AGO."  I figure they'll swiftly hand me a tampon and I'll be on my way back to the sanctuary to take care of my leetle feminine emergency. The whole ordeal will be over quick as a wink, and no one will be the wiser.  I know, RIGHT?

WRONG.

These women look at me like this problem has never, ever surfaced in their office before.  They panic.  They fidget.  They back up their desk chairs and look like they're going to do something, but they don't quite know what it is they should do.  They tell me there is the public hospital bathroom down the hall, just around the corner.  Well, that is the same bathroom I use when I'm working in the med school, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a tampon-dispensing machine in it, but I rush over there anyway to check.  Nope.  I stuff toilet paper in my underwear, but this is a bit of a problem, because I'm wearing a thong.  It doesn't hold much of anything, and what it does hold, it doesn't hold securely.  I can just envision myself in an episode of I Love Lucy, a line of t.p. leaving a trail behind me as I walk.  So I have to hold it in place with my thighs.  

Back to the desk I go, with a wrinkle in my brow and still walking funny.  

I ask all the women there if they perhaps have a tampon in their purses personally, that they could share with a woman in need. I'll PAY, people!

Most of them looked like deer caught in headlights, but the ones who did speak up, all said, "No, I don't have a TAMPON," delivered with that sort of "ew" voice like I might have just asked them to infect me with chlamydia.  "I think I might have a pad."  How is it that in 2009 I have walked into a women's health care facility in the U.S. of A., where all the women use PADS?  PADS?  Are you KIDDING ME?  An "ew" response to tampons?  I really had no idea there was this rampant tampon phobia alive and well around me, which just goes to show that if I thought I had my finger right on the pulse of modern femininity, I was apparently woefully wrong.

Anyhoo. 

Seriously, this was exactly the situation.  I'm not even exaggerating one tiny bit.  A woman (a young girl, really, by my standards) went to get me a pad.  And I had to tell her, "Um, I don't really have the right underwear on for a pad."  

FINALLY, after that, someone came up with a tampon for me.  

So there's lesson number one and a public service announcement all in one.  This is important:  Pack a tampon in your purse, but if you throw away your tampons, be sure to put a pair of granny panties in, too, JUST IN CASE YOU ENTER A WOMEN'S HEALTH CARE FACILITY STAFFED WITH ALL WOMEN, NONE OF WHOM USE TAMPONS.   

Apparently I'm more of a hussy than I even realized.  Read story number two, and any remaining doubt will be erased. 

2.  I recently had an appointment with a dermatologist for a full-body skin scan.  Just routine, ya know, because a) I'm of a certain age which I have to keep admitting, and b) my siblings have had suspicious things removed, even though they are all younger than I am, so I figure it's time to have it done.  Just as I'm leaving the house, I ask my husband to throw me a pair of knickers from the laundry pile that has just emerged from the dryer -- "I guess I should wear underwear today," I say jokingly, "though it won't matter in that office, because I'll be buck naked when they do the exam [Well, wouldn't YOU expect a full-body skin scan to be, well, you know -- FULL BODY?!] and nobody will know whether I have underwear on or not."  I slipped the panties on just before I walked out the door.  

I get to the office, and the nurse interviews me, asks me why I'm there, etc.  I tell her just to have my skin and moles looked at by a professional, that my sibs have had some issues, so I just want to be sure everything is OK.  

She tells me to get undressed, put on the gown with the opening in the front or the back -- my choice -- and she starts to leave the room.  As she's at the door, she says, "Oh, and you can KEEP YOUR UNDERWEAR ON." 

  

Semper ubi sub ubi.

Comments

[Cookie]

I promise I will come back next week, read this and laugh. However, right now, not so much because I got caught off guard yesterday. There really should be an opt-out for this monthly nonsense. Think our Ginevra might know who to talk to? ;^)

Sounds like you need to start carrying a little bag with supplies including some undies. Just in case.

[Margaret in Ontario]

Okay, it's 2:30 in the afternoon and I first read your post early this morning. Had to come back and tell you it was great; I've been smiling on and off all day. And thinking. I used to wear TERRIFIC underwear, and all day I've been asking myself what the hell happened to that.

Just last night, trudging home from a meeting of acrimonious, crabby volunteers, I thought "You know, I'm NOT living the life I imagined!"

You think there may be a connection?...

That's it, Norma. From now on, it's only great underwear or none at all!

[ann]

OMFG!!! Glad I had panties on to catch the pee! I am still laughing. You're killing me. And I am supposedly all done with that. YAY. BUT, I still have a pair of undies, liners and tampons- no fucking disgusting pads for me, thank you very much!

[Doris]

Too funny, Norma! I am of the same certain age that you are and haven't had a period in a while...other than the ones while I was still on the pill that lasted 10 minutes (literally, 10 minutes). The hot flashes however, are killing me, so I am not sure what is better here! I am waking up 5-6 times per night in a sweat. Not good for the sleeping. Oh, well, this too shall pass, as they say.

[Kristen]

Two words already spoken above: Diva Cup.

[Kayten]

Laughed and laughed! The other thing is: Do NOT get rid of whatever you use as you age, even after 10-11 months of no visitations. It will guarantee the recurrence of your period within days for at least 3 months, then nothing for 10 months... get rid of accoutrements... repeat..for 3 years. It's been 3 1/2 years now, but I have to keep pads on hand for other reasons. You just can't win!

[Diane]

OMG!!! What is up with women's health centers? And WOMEN for that matter? Ew? What do you mean Ewww?
I used to save my magazines to bring to my annual gyn exam visit. Why? Because the only ones available in the waiting room were Popular Mechanics, Sports Illustrated and Women's Day - all over 3 years old, I might add. I felt it was my duty to my sisters to provide some decent (and current) reading matter. Now, I realize, I should be bringing a donation box of TAMPONS to the women's health center! Because, why, of all places, would a women's health center be expected to have such an item available? Perhaps we need to start the Red Stripe Fund in addition to the Red Scarf Fund!

And, while I'm ranting....I have friends on the other side of menopause who have no clue why it would be useful to have a box of tampons in their home for women who visit! Like friends, daughters in law, grandchildren, like every female under 50! Help out a sister, people! Just sayin'...

[Holly]

This is so TMI, but once I got a tampon stuck up there and I had to get my husband to retrieve it for me. It was both painful and extremely humiliating! I also worked with a woman once who forgot she had a tampon in for months and ended up going to the ER thinking something was bad wrong with her, and they told her they get someone in with a forgotten tampon at least once a week! Ugh! Of course, they probably were just trying to make her feel better... Nevertheless, I am sticking with my granny panties and pads!

[Cookie]

Don't be surprised if hands wander when people hug you from now on. I'm just sayin'...

[tayloe]

Norma,Norma, Norma- don't even know how to respond to this entry!! Just keep'em coming please!

[Lori in Michigan]

Norma,
You are a frikkin' riot, woman...I'm doing that laughing without sound thing...
love ya!
p.s. never met you or Margene, but I'd say she peed her 'sans panties' pants in laughing out loud...a good laugh is great for what ails ya!

[Lyssa]

I love Jockey barely-there thongs. After I started wearing those, nothing else will do.

The skin-check people probably just assume that your ass doesn't see that much sun. Clearly they don't know what kind of a hussy they're dealing with ;)

[Birdsong]

That's the problem with underwear... you just never know when you're going to need it!

[Sarah]

Speechless.

[Jennifer]

OMG - this is definitely Way TMI... yet this is exactly while I love reading your blog. You're so bold. You're so hilarious. You're making me wet my pants with laughter over here. I'm sorry for your misfortune... but it is going to make me plan ahead when going for my next mammogram.

[minnie]

in my & my daughter's defense, neither one of us uses tampons. i'm not sure why she doesn't, but i have . . . . issues with them,let's say, lol.

she does use pads, but i use what is basically a disposable divacup. and i wish my period would go away. sigh

[Stephanie]

I'm so late reading this as I'm doing about a month worth of posts. It's hysterical and yet so true. I have product everywhere. In my car, in all of my purses, in my office at work, etc. I think the machines have moved to another country. I can't remember the last time I saw one.

I guess we are supposed to never have an emergency.