I Destash In Your General Direction (Monty Python Fans Should Like This Title*)

Thank you all for playing in my caption contest.  My, my, I have clever readers. I loved all your entries, and they kept me entertained for all of Sunday.  But someone had to win, right? I will send the winners something very nice from my destashing efforts, and maybe a little extra sweetness. 

First Prize goes to Miriam for this gem:

And Another First Prize (there can be no seconds here, haha) to Gayle for this one:

 

That pithy "Me, too" answer cracks me up every time I read it.  Perfectly gnome-like, methinks. 

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*However, destashing is much pleasanter than farting.

P.S.  Recently the brains at Typepad gave more helpful hints to increase readership.  One of the things they said is that we shouldn't use clever titles.  We shouldn't use titles or words that might bring people to our blogs via a search engine and find something they weren't really looking for.  People are busy, it said.  They will get pissed if you're advertising something that you're NOT, or wasting everyone's time.  You should be boring and say just what you mean. 

What fun would that be?  Can you imagine, for example, if someone Googles "farting" and lands here?  OMG, I've wasted someone's important "farting" search time.  OR what if someone is doing a serious search about gnomes.  They land here.  I'M SO SORRY.  I've wasted your time.  Or "Monty Python" or "barfing in sap bucket."  Who knew from that title or those misleading words that this would be a knitting blog?  And I've wasted someone's time and that reader will not come back. Darn. 

For fucksake.  They really don't get us, do they? Talk about sucking the joy right out of the endeavor.  Sheesh.

I'm hopeful that someday I'll serve an important function for the person who will undoubtedly Google "farting knitter."

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P.P.S.  Thank you to Laurie, my own personal anesthesiologist (well, OK, hopefully NEVER, but she's there if I ever need her) for scaring me straight.  Not that I really needed a study from the NIH to tell me what I already knew intuitively, but seriously, if I needed a punctuation mark on the "I'm done with Diet (or any other) Pepsi and Coke" comma period exclamation mark -- no question mark -- I'm DONE.  I mean it.  Don't try to offer me one.  Just don't.  I'll cut you down. 

The funniest part is that it was MY ranting and railing against the stuff that got HER to quit using it a couple years ago.  What can I say?  She's smarter and stronger than I.  But my kidneys and bones and heart and head are telling me, "Please, Norma.  Stop the insanity."

I did learn a thing or two sitting in medical school last fall:  Kidney tissue does not repair or regenerate.  The kidneys can only withstand a certain number of insults and then it's dialysis for you, bub.  So listen up:  If you don't join me, the kidney terrorists will win.  Or something like that.   Let's stop together.  K?

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Now I guess I will also be thwarting the Googlers searching for: farting Diet Pepsi.  Or farting terrorists.

Comments

[Kristen]

Oh. My. God. I'm crying. Crying I tell you. Thanks for this post!

[Nat]

I had to google. Just had to. Its like you were daring me or something. And yes, you were top of the list, however, there is a youtube video as well under the title of "farting knitting teacher".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0oKtXgjyL8

So my question is this: Is the teacher teaching how to fart? Or how to knit?
;0)

[Jennifer]

TOO Funny! I was not clever enough to come up with an entry. I'm entirely too lame to compete with the likes of your other witty readers.

BTW - I just googled "Farting Knitters" (because you know I couldn't resist). You're #1. But, believe it or not, there is a You Tube about a farting knitting teacher.

It's a whole new fasion! Who knew?

[Carole]

Most excellent captions.

[Elizabeth L in Apex, NC]

Typepad seriously told you not to be clever? That's about as disconnected as I can imagine a company being, right? Chick-fil-A might as well use chickens in their ads telling you to eat beef. You aren't a retail shop who needs business, for goodness' sake. They need to wise up.

[margene]

We knew Typepad wasn't hiring the best and the brightest.

[jodi]

There just isn't enough puking in a sap bucket p*rn out there to be had, Norma. Perhaps you've stumbled onto a gold mine here.

[Leslie]

Geepers, my RNP told me about cola drinks several years ago and I actually listened! She mentioned the bone issues, never the kidney however. So I'm doubly glad I listened and managed to get the husband (Mr. Cola if he had his way) to go along. Besides, water's a lot cheaper and doesn't have recycling issues.

[(formerly) no-blog-rachel]

I'm sorry but anyone who Googles 'Dorfus Lizard Sprinkles' can't claim themselves too busy to spend 5 seconds landing on my blog.

That 'me too' is killing me! Too funny.

[Mary K. in Rockport]

Cola can wreck one's kidneys? Oh no!

[thea]

I must go check out the farting knitting teacher in a sec, but was too amused not to check in and thank you for my morning entertainment.

I'm thinking the general knitting public, being a public with time to knit, doesn't get too pissed when they find a new blog to browse - regardless of the crazy lure you used to get em in. In fact, a good post on farting knitters, with some great pics and a nice FO, would make me call it a successful morning, friend that chick on Ravelry and check back in with her again soon.....

not asking WHY you have a gnome on your bench anyways. Days you feel lonely and need company?

[susan]

I just Googled "fucksake gnome" and you're not even on the first page. You must rectify that, Norma!

[Miriam]

Sweet! :D I kept going back to my entry and giggling all day.

[Anne]

You are priceless. Truly. Really. Priceless.

Excuse me now, I gotta go search for 'Farting, knitters, diet pepsi'.

[claudia]

When you say you are done with soda like that, I know you really mean it. Awesome!

[Nora]

Well, crap. I'll keep my DP consumption to one per day, on the theory that if it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger.

Ahem.

[Marcia]

You are responsible for my giving up diet Coke/Pepsi, too, so you better stick to it! Unfortunately, if it's the phosphoric acid, I'm screwed. What I substituted for DC/DP is either Lipton Green Tea with Citrus or Snapple Green Tea with Peach (iced) and I realize both of them have phosphoric acid. Crap. I can't give up EVERYTHING!

[Pam]

I hate those helpful (or not so) hints that the blog companies give to get more readers. Heck, I have maybe 1 reader on a good day.. and that's all good!! But then again, i'm not selling farting gnomes either... I wonder if anyone is pissed off that I'm not selling anything...
Because blogs are all for selling stuff... don'chaknow?

[Katherine]

I did not know that about kidney tissue. I count myself lucky to have never been on the diet soda train. I keep wondering if there's some horrible surprise in store for what I frankly acknowledge is a coffee addiction, though.

I really like the Me too, too. I read far enough in the comments to see that one and it made me snort a little.

[Cheryl S.]

Farting gnome. Farting gnome. Farting gnome.
Just doing my part for the search engines.

[marianne]

You really do have the best readers and commentators, witty folks for sure. Today's post? hilarious. Thank you, I needed that. Glad I don't drink that crap. :^) btw, 'me too' landed me in a heap.

[Joan]

"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"

[evalyn]

I say: Thwart away! The worst that can happen from googling is that you might learn something you didn't know before. And I enjoy the surreality of search results. Where do some of those connections come from?

[Renee]

I love you Norma - you're the only person I know who makes me laugh all the time and is saving me from dialysis. My kidneys thank you personally.
Great captions!!

[Seanna Lea]

Don't forget all of the people googling for farting kidney terrorists. Really!

Of course, I read this just as I was popping open a bottle of coke zero. I'm trying to decide if I am strong enough to withstand the lure of the caffeinated bubbly beverage. I could probably just drink more coffee instead. It's staring at me reproachfully. Like it knows that its days in my pantry are numbered.

[sandy]

Fine. I am drinking my last one now. I am. Don't try to tell me that I am being disingenuous.
I have now declared it. And for anyone keeping track? That is TECHNICALLY a "me too".
LX

[Lucia]

My diet allows me to drink milk, water, and peppermint tea, and limits me to 64 oz of liquid per day (broken out into prescribed amounts at prescribed intervals), of which at least half must be water. In practice pretty much all of it is water, just because it's easiest. Do I enjoy this? Gnome. Er, no'm. But I'm glad to know I'm saving my kidneys along with other parts of my internal plumbing.

I just have one question for you: how do you feel about socialism? That should get you plenty of hits: a political blogger I read discovered that his comment-vetting software was flagging all posts containing the word socialist or socialism, because -- can you guess? -- those words contain the string cialis.

[Cookie]

Alright, I'm in. I'm not happy about it, but I'm in. Just don't tell me I can't have iced tea with raw sugar or I'll have to hurt you.

Did you see that Typepad is offering blogging classed next month? I wonder what those clueless children can really teach us.

xo

[gayle]

Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. (Destashing cheerfully accepted!) And it's an honor to share the stage with Miriam - her captions really cracked me up!

I saw that Typepad "tip" recently, and was flabberghasted. I suspect Blogger offers similar advice, but I don't read the Blogger Blog. It just seems too... incestuous, somehow.

[elizabeth a airhart]

good night norma

[Tracy J.]

You know, I originally found your blog by searching for "farting knitter fucksake." Or I would have, had I thought of it. Thank you for cracking me up during my morning meeting conducted by very serious Japanese schoolteachers. Now they think I'm even more of a freak.

[Laurie]

If it's not farting knitters and gnomes erect from Cialis, what kind of fun can we have??

Yeah, you helped me, and I'm glad I could help you. I won't touch the shit now. Dialysis is a major cramp in one's lifestyle, and no kidneys has repercussions on ALL organ systems. You don't live a normal life span, even if you DO exercise. (Small har har there.)

[Kirsten]

Farting terrorists. Ya gotta watch out for those bastards.

As a professional nay-sayer and Diet Dr. Pepper addict, I feel compelled to note that the article you linked to says that drinking two or more colas a day doubles your risk of kidney disease. Absent some context, this really means nothing. If the risk without cola is .1%, the risk with cola is .2%. I can live (ha ha, get it?) with that.

[Birdsong]

I love the title, and the captions are pretty funny too... the gnome might want to come and visit here, as we have several to keep him company... just a thought. Nice sweater.

[=Tamar]

I'm in the group that blames the phosphoric acid. I read labels all down the soda aisles and found only two caffeinated sodas that didn't have phosphoric acid: Vault, and Inka Cola. Both have diet versions (hard to find so far, though) and both are more or less fruit flavored and yellowish.
I find that I like them better than my old favorite cola drink, too. Normally I drink coffee but it's awfully handy to grab a can of cola when dashing out the door.

[Carrie]

I <3 Mim.