How to take part in the world's most stupid exercise:
Step 1. Buy rather expensive laundry appliances from a reputable and trusted dealer.
Step 2. Pay money for them to be delivered and installed.
Step 3. Pay money to simultaneously have a licensed plumber available at the time of delivery because he has to unhook the gas from the old gas dryer and hook it up to the new one. (No one can touch gas hookups except the gas company or a licensed plumber. Preferably one with an IQ higher than 12.)
Step 4. Discover, after the installers leave, that neither appliance works.
Step 5. Listen to the stupid Typepad-esque answer of "It's probably your fault." Argue the point. Demand that someone come make them work.
Step 6. Have them come, purportedly fix them, then leave, when you're gone.
Step 7. Return home to find them NOT fixed in the least.
Step 8. Rinse and repeat (Not the laundry. The appliances don't work, remember? The process. It's a figure of speech.)
Step 9. Return home after a stay away because of bad weather to find that one of the two now works (the water pipe threads were stripped by the first installers), but the other doesn't.
Step 10. Throw a tantrum and insist that the other one get fixed or they can come pick up their hunks of steel and "gimme my money back."
Step 11. Wash tons of laundry that has been building up and hang it to dry on racks (At least it's economical, green, and probably the Right Thing To Do. Except when one has just bought a $1,000+ appliance to do the same.)
Step 12. Call the plumber and ask, "John, um...is it, um, possible you, um, did not turn on the gas?" (You can see what's coming, can't you?)
Step 13. Listen to the plumber reassure you, "Oh, yes. I came back a second time to be SURE it was on. Your dryer is going to work, don't you worry. All you have to do is turn it on and off manually four or five times. Well, you might have to do it 12 times, because there is air in the gas hose. And then it will work."
Step 14. Stand there stupidly turning the dryer on and off for the next 2.5 hours, at least 1,009 times. Still cold.
Step 15. Scream bloody murder to the sales place. Get a call from the repairman, who says, "It must be that the igniter got cracked during delivery."
Step 16. Go to work before the repairman arrives Monday morning.
Step 17. Arrive home after work to get the message from spouse that......
have you guessed it yet? Of course you have:
Step 18. The *&^%$# gas had not been turned on.
----------------
It was only the extremely timely arrival of my copy of Franklin's book
that saved me from doing something drastic. I turned to page 1 and started laughing. It was one and three-quarters hours later when I stopped to catch my breath, only to realize that I had completely lost the urge to disconnect the gas dryer hose and duct tape it to my mouth.
Oh Franklin, you are a sweet, funny dear, and now you may add Suicide Interventionist to your already impressive resume.
If I had gone to Harvard, do you think we would have ended up married?
Oh.
Well, yes, there is that.
Never mind, then.
This book is a delightful and refreshing little gumdrop. Franklin's humor is smart and fresh and genuine, and you don't have to be a knitter to get it. When I put it down briefly to stir the pasta sauce, I had to wrest it from my non-knitting husband's hands so I could keep reading it. That, my friends, is an endorsement.
If you don't already have the book, ask Santa to put a copy in your stocking -- it will fit in there so nicely. Make sure you take a pee before you open it, though. Honestly.
Hey, sister, if Franklin ever decides to try girls, you're gonna have to get in line behind me! ;)
I'm so sorry what should have been a painless attempt to up your green quotient has turned out to be filled with so much frustration. :(
Posted by: Kristen | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 01:29 AM
Gah! I hate "doh!" moments like that.
And no, we shan't be allowing Franklin to switch teams. He's far too valuable a player to go free agent.
Posted by: Mel | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 02:39 AM
There's a copy waiting for me under my tree (I know that's what's in one of the packages my sister sent 'cause she shops off my Amazon wish list and I peak). I'm waiting to open it and have a good laugh on Christmas morning!
Glad your laundry room is in working order now. I have a Bosch set (and a dishwasher, too) and love them, but mine's not gas. :)
Posted by: Cindy (maxfun) | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 02:49 AM
Oh, shit.
xo
Posted by: Nora | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 06:14 AM
Surely you'll not pay the plumber the entire bill?
Posted by: hilary | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 06:30 AM
This sounds a lot like our refrigerator fiasco from several years ago. It's never easy, that's for sure.
Posted by: Carole | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 06:46 AM
I've been a lurking reader for quite a while and I must say this has been your most hysterically funny post ever!!! My life works exactly like yours. I have never had any appliance or work done on my house without it taking 14 extra steps and lots of yelling, screaming and crying. I thought stuff like that just happened to me. Oh, and thanks for the "take a pee" warning about reading Franklin's book however, might I politely suggest that that maybe you should have given your readers a pee warning before they read this post!!! ;-)
Best,
Carolyn
Posted by: Carolyn | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 06:50 AM
Had NOT turned the gas on, ffs. Glad to hear they're up and running. XOX
Posted by: marianne | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 07:20 AM
Reading your post this morning has enabled me to deal with my day, which includes tons of stupid questions asked by students during final exam week? No, not about content. Questions like, "Do I have to take the exam?" and "Can I take my exam early so that I don't have to get up so early on Friday morning? I want to sleep late."
Posted by: Panhandle Jane | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 07:21 AM
And evidently I was amused enough to misplace a question mark. See the effect you had on me?
Posted by: Panhandle Jane | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 07:22 AM
Oh Norma! I'm happy your w/d are working now. Why are simple things made so difficult?
I have Franklin's book and it is marvelous. I'm so glad you read it at a good time.
Posted by: Angie | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 07:42 AM
Seriously, the gas?! The dealer should send you a sympathy gift for having to deal with morons.
I'll have to get a hold of Franklin's book. I could use a good laugh although your laundry story had me laughing quite heartily when the final punch was the gas wasn't turned on...
Posted by: Renee | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 07:43 AM
Franklin's book is on my Christmas list. Let's face it, if he posted every fifteen minutes, I'd spend the rest of my life sitting next to my computer waiting...
May your new washer and dryer spin long and prosper.
Posted by: gayle | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 07:50 AM
Oh my stars. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this stupidity. Oy.
A few of my pals are getting Franklin's book from me this holiday season. Perhaps I should slap a warning label on them that says "Caution: Pee before you read!"
Posted by: regina | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 08:44 AM
Seriously funny stuff. Now go felt something.
Posted by: Jean E. | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 08:45 AM
I would have been livid too. Glad the book saved you from something drastic.
Posted by: Carol | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 09:19 AM
I feel your pain....we had a similar experience with our new, very expensive convection double wall ovens, although at the time we thought it was fixed rather simply. Now we find some "issues" with one oven when in convection preheat mode. Makes you sick. Makes me think I'll hang onto my old top-load washer for a while longer!
Posted by: Marcia | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 09:34 AM
I'm surprised you didn't lop off someones head. It was well deserved.
Franklin's book had me laughing out loud in the Boston airport last October.
Posted by: margene | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 10:02 AM
So I guess the plumber's IQ was below 12 then? He should have to return the amount you paid him to do what he was supposed to have done in the first place. Sheesh!
Posted by: Manise | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 10:37 AM
I wasn't actually laughing at most of your story--I was right 'there' with you, swearing at the dumbassery of it all. grrrrrrrr I hate when guys are all "poor stupid female" about things that they are, indeed, fu*king up!
Glad you were right, wishing you luck (or perhaps an adult beverage of fortitude) when you dispute your plumber bills.
p.s. Thanks for saving Norma, Franklin!
Posted by: kellys | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 10:57 AM
i love franklin's book too!
and i so feel your pain about the new laundry equipment; i would tell you the story of our very expensive "professional" thermodor range, but i don't want to discourage you. suffice it to say that if we WERE professional cooks, we'd be out of business using this thing.
Posted by: anne | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 11:03 AM
That reminds me of how I felt about UPS last week... I'm glad your laundry setup is working now.
Posted by: naomi | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 11:06 AM
I just got La Harlot's last book; I am saving it for a time when I need to be cheered up. Franklin's book is on my desk -- I only allow myself to read one or two pieces at a time so as to prolong the pleasure.
Oooh, that sounded... questionable. Heh.
Posted by: kmkat | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 11:33 AM
We should all send a thank-you note to Franklin for saving you. I'm glad we decided not to replace our old washer and dryer. Yet.
Posted by: Cheryl S. | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 11:51 AM
FFS! That plumber owes you.
Posted by: Cookie | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 03:03 PM
And here I thought only I did stuff like that...
I got Franklin's book at Rhinebeck. Even Grant laughed at some of the cartoons. When I die, I want a stash mausoleum.
Posted by: Lucia | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 03:15 PM
I would have been clawing at the walls. This definitely falls under the heading of Not So Bright. I would have expected your plumber to have an IQ higher than Dubya!
Posted by: Seanna Lea | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 03:37 PM
It's been my experience that the more I spend on an appliance the more fucked up it gets. So I am not investing anymore...not until I win the lotto. I am getting old beater machines that will last a nuclear blast. But it sure does help if the gas is on :)
Posted by: Stephanie | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 03:55 PM
um - might that plumber's name be JOE? just askin' ...
Posted by: Margaret | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 11:03 PM
Never, never think about suicide, my dear. Always consider homicide first.
Posted by: jodi | Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 09:15 AM
I received "It Itches" for ... um... can't quite say Christmas since it's been received and opened already, but whatever.
I'm doling it out slowly.
I know that I could easily fall into it and read it all in one day and have a stomach that screams at me in exhaustion from all the laughing.
Instead, I'm using it as the antidote to daily frustrations, which are growing.
Posted by: Helen | Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 09:25 AM
your story about the gas not being turned on reminded me of the time I sat on the phone for many minutes waiting for tech services from the phone company because my internet wouldn't work. After going through all the automated messages and doing all the self-checks and nothing working I finally got a nice young attendant in India who started going through his check list. I had already reset the modem and gotten the lights to come on, but still no internet, and why did I still not have internet you may be asking... because I had forgotten to plug the silly cable back into the 'puter after the thunderstorm that had woken me up in the middle of the night and during which I apparently sleep-walked to disconnect the 'puter to protect it from the dreaded lightening!!!! I made the young man in India's day! and I got my internet back too...
Posted by: Linda M | Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 03:46 PM