She loves hearing this story over and over again, so this is her birthday present from me -- writing it down for posterity and for all the internet to Google and read when she becomes rich and famous. This is a lonnnnng post, so go ahead and take a bathroom break if you need to. It'll take you longer to read this post (and it took me longer to write it) than I was in labor. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I was in labor all day long, apparently, but being the stoic country girl I was, and having suffered all my life with crippling period cramps, I was waiting for it "to hurt."
She was born at 7:57 p.m. (we got the tax deduction!), weighed 7 lb. 12 oz., and was 22 inches long. She was almost born in the car, but we drove 97 miles an hour and somehow made it inside the hospital. Through sheer determination and strong sphincter muscles (prenatal yoga is a wonderful thing), I managed to keep her in for exactly 20 minutes after that, so we could finish answering their stupid insurance questions and get to a room. The doctor on call was not my doctor, but from my doctor's practice. I had spoken to her on the phone earlier. She asked, "This is your first baby?" "Yes." "And you think you're in labor?"
Um, yeah, lady, I know I'm IN LABOR, YOU CONDESCENDING BITCH. Oops. Pardon me, was that rude? I mean, meekly, "Yes, I think so."
She suggested that since it was my first baby, I probably didn't know what real labor was, and if I did, I'd probably be in labor three days, and since it was New Year's Eve and she didn't really want to work (my inference), I should stay home and have a glass of champagne or something. NOT. When the lovely nurse told her I was there, she responded, "I TOLD her not to come!" (Yes, I made a complaint later. I also objected to her name being on the birth certificate, but it was hospital protocol because she was the attending. I said, "But she did NOTHING!") Whatever. All's well that ends well, I guess.
A sweet young male family practice resident (whose name I never got) happened to be walking through the hall. The nurse ran out the door, grabbed him, and pulled him into the room. He caught Abigail before she hit the floor. Thank goodness for that. I later dropped her down the stairs, which probably explains a lot, but we won't talk about that -- at least not right now. It was his first birth. I think we made his day. Probably set him up for a rather unrealistic expectation of what a birth is usually like, though. It was -12 F that night, so I'm glad we got inside where it was warm. Abigail's Apgar score was only a 9, because she was...you ready for this? A bit cold. Of course she was! We were driving down the interstate with the windows open in -12F weather, and I was undressing, because I was HOT. So I guess I chilled her a bit. She was going to be a little Abigailcicle if we'd had to deliver her on the side of the road, I'll tell ya.
Fast forward 23 years:
Her professional name is Abigail Sylvia Miller, which, coincidentally, is exactly the name I gave her when she was 30 seconds old.
Thank the gods she did not choose Aurora Borealis or some of those other stupid names she was considering. But that is off the record. She'd be so PISSED at me if I said that.
She has kickass talent, kickass brains, a kickass sense of humor, and is building up a kickass resume. The girl totally kicks ass.
Last Friday, Abigail was doing a Google search for something and randomly ended up on my blog, with the entry that follows. She still gets surprised and delighted when she randomly finds my blog, and gets all like, "My mom. She's SOMEBODY! She coulda been a contender!"
She loved this entry, gushed a lot, and said I should start writing plays. When I originally wrote this in August of 2005, I intended for it to be the start of a series. I guess you know how that turned out. It was more like the start and the END of a series. It's HARD to write these! But maybe in 2008, with all the 365ing, I can bring the series back to life. It's kind of a funny truth that the lawyers in the bunch will confirm: In real life, it often does take this long to reassemble everyone for the continuation of a deposition. People on the "outside" totally don't get what takes so long. (Second Deposition Syndrome. Heh.)
So now, for Abigail's birthday, I'll be like MTV and VHS and all the rest of the networks with their New Year's Eve retrospectives and reprint this today for you. Some of you have read it, but probably the vast majority have not. Hopefully it'll give you a chuckle or two.
An aside for my growing (yay!) non-knitting readership: There is a phenomenon that knitters refer to as Second Sock Syndrome (or mitten syndrome, or sleeve syndrome, or you get the point). You complete one item of a pair, and for some reason, getting going on the second is problematic, to say the least. The lawsuit below is brought by The Second Sock of my first-ever knitted pair of socks, presumably for a legal remedy known as specific performance, or in other words, to get my ass going to complete the pair. You know, in my weird fantasy world. Koigu is a brand of sock yarn. DPNs are double-pointed needles. A heel flap is a part of the construction of a sock.
Happy New Year!
-------------------------------------
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
A Deposition - Volume 1
This is an actual transcript from an actual deposition. Really.
NOWNORMA KNITS, having been duly sworn, deposes and says as follows:
EXAMINATION BY KOIGU P. GREENSTRIPE, ESQUIRE, ATTORNEY FOR THESECOND SOCK:
Q. Please state your full name for the record.
A. Nownorma Knits.
Q. Do you mind if I call you Nownorma, or do you prefer Ms. Knits?
A. Nownorma is fine.
Q. Thank you. My name is Koigu Greenstripe, and I represent the plaintiff, Thesecond Sock, in this case.
Now, you recently entered the Blogger Protection Program; am I right?
A. Yes, I did.
Q. And before you went into hiding with the Blogger Protection Program, you were working on behalf of my client, Thesecond Sock?
A. Yes, I was.
Q. My understanding is that you had completed the heel flap before you left; is that right?
A. Mm-hm.
Q. Please say yes or no for the court reporter.
A. Oh, yes. Sorry.
Q. That's okay; everyone does it. Now, please define heel flap for me.
A. It's when you get really, really crazy and want to throw your knitting to the floor because you've made a really dumb mistake and you start flapping your arms around madly and stomp on the sock with your heel. That's where the heel flap comes in.
Q. Are you sure of that definition?
A. Why wouldn't I be?
Q. Well, let me take this opportunity to say that one of the privileges I get by being the lawyer for Mr. Sock in this deposition is I get to ask the questions. I should have gone over the guidelines for a deposition at the beginning. This is my chance to ask questions and to have you answer them. If at any time you don't understand my questions, would you please tell me you don't understand the question?
A. I don't understand the question.
Q. No, I mean if I ask a question that you don't understand, please tell me.
A. Oh. Okay.
Q. Otherwise I will assume you understood the question if you answer it. And if you would please wait for me to finish my question, I'll try to wait 'til you finish your answer before I ask my next question. That will make things easier for the court reporter.
A. Fine.
Q. And we've already gone over this --
A. Mm-hm.
Q. -- but no head shakes and no mm-hms and uh-uhs, for the court reporter's sake; agreed?
A. Mm-hm. I mean, yes. Sorry.
Q. All right. And please don't forget to let me finish the question before you --
A. Okay.
Q. -- answer. You just --
A. Okay.
Q. Please don't -- Never mind. Now, let's see if we can peg down your definition of heel flap. First, can you tell me how long you've been knitting?
A. Oh, I don't know. About a year and a half, I guess.
Q. And where did you learn to knit?
A. Well, I kind of taught myself. My mother originally taught me a few basics way back when I was in junior high, but the rest I learned recently from books and the Internet.
Q. The Internet? What do you mean by that? What is this; in chat rooms or something?
MS. DePIENNS: Object to the form of the question. You can answer if you understand it.
A. No, no. There's this whole blogging thing. People have blogs, they write about knitting, and you can really learn a lot from them.
Q. And these are the people you're hiding from?
A. Well, yes, but most of them are really not that bad.
Q. Have you met any of these people in person, or is this all rather imaginary, so to speak?
A. Well, many of us have met in person. We get together from time to time at sheep festivals, stitch-and-bitches, spinning parties and things like that.
Q. Now, these spinning parties you talk about, is this somewhat like a rave?
A. Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Q. Do people take drugs at these things?
A. Well, I've heard people talk about spinning crack and things like that, but I've never tried it. Well, I've tried it, but I've never inhaled.
Q. Mm-hm. And what was the first thing you said? Cheap festivals?
A. No, no. I said sheep festivals. They're definitely not cheap.
Q. Sheep festivals?
A. Yes.
Q. What exactly is a sheep festival?
A. It's just like it sounds.
Q. A festival for sheep?
A. Well, no. Yes. Sort of. You go and you buy yarn and eat lamb burgers and see people and buy more yarn and look at the sheep in the barns, take classes. That sort of thing.
Q. And do a lot of people go to these sheep festivals?
A. Oh, yes. They flock to them.
Q. And what is the purpose for going?
A. I just told you. Buy wool, see the sheep, eat lamb, meet up with people.
Q. I see. Do people pay to get into these things?
A. Yes.
Q. They pay to get in to buy yarn?
A. Yes. Well, it's not all yarn. There are the deep-fried twinkies and there are some classes and competitions and stuff. And they have port-o-lets and everything.
Q. And excuse me if I misunderstood, but did you say something about bitches?
A. Stitch and bitches.
Q. What is that?
THE COURT REPORTER: Could you spell that, please?
THE DEPONENT: s-t-i-t-c-h-n-b-i-t-c-h.
BY MR. GREENSTRIPE:
Q. What is a stitch and bitch?
(A discussion took place off the record.)
Q. All right, back to the matter we're here to discuss. Thesecond Sock. You first met Mr. Sock when?
A. When I was on a trip in New Hampshire.
Q. When was this?
A. In the early summer, late spring.
Q. How did you meet?
A. A woman introduced us at a yarn shop.
Q. How do you know this woman?
A. From the blogs.
Q. Is this one of the people you're hiding from?
A. No. She's been on vacation and doesn't even know I'm in hiding.
Q. When did you meet her?
A. The same day.
Q. The same day you met my client?
A. Yes.
Q. How did that come about?
A. Well, I was driving with some friends, and we met up at this yarn shop in New Hampshire.
Q. And she introduced you to my client?
A. Sort of. She gave me some yarn.
Q. She gave you some yarn, but you had never met before?
A. Yes.
Q. How did that come about?
A. Well, she wrote me an email that said that if I had some socks on needles on the day we met --
Q. Let me interrupt you there. Socks on needles? Did you say socks on needles?
A. Yes, meaning yarn being made into socks, on knitting needles.
Q. Oh, I get it. Please continue.
A. So if I had some socks on needles and I showed her, that she would give me some sock yarn in colors I like.
Q. And so you had socks on needles to show her that day?
A. No.
Q. You didn't?
A. No.
Q. So she didn't give you the sock yarn?
A. Yes, she did.
Q. Well, you said she said if you had socks on needles when you met her, and you showed it to her, that she would give you sock yarn.
A. Yes.
Q. Was this intended to be a gift, or --
A. Yes. A gift. But only if I had socks on needles.
Q. But didn't you just -- (to the reporter) Could you read back that answer?
(The requested answer was read back by the court reporter.)
Q. So you said --
A. No. She said if I would show her that I was knitting socks --
Q. Excuse me for interrupting, but why did she want to see that you were knitting socks?
A. Oh, I don't know. There's this whole thing that knitters think other knitters should knit socks, and she was trying to entice me into knitting socks by offering me a bribe, basically.
Q. A bribe?
A. Well, not a bribe, really. Well, yeah, actually, kind of a bribe. Sort of an inducement, more like.
Q. Is this why you have gone into hiding?
A. No, it has nothing to do with it.
Q. I'm confused.
A. Bloggers do stuff like that.
Q. Stuff like what?
A. Bribe, induce, coerce.
MR. GREENSTRIPE: Well, I can see that this deposition is going to take a lot longer than I thought it would, so we are going to have to come back another day to continue with the questioning. Is that all right with you?
THE DEPONENT: Yeah. Is it all right if I bring my knitting next time?
MR. GREENSTRIPE: Yes, I guess that would be fine. And let me just say that if you would listen closely to the question and try to focus, that would help speed things along.
THE DEPONENT: Hm?
(The deposition was recessed.)
Happy Birthday Abigail! And Norma...I have to say it again....you ROCK. I hadn't started reading blogs waaaaay back in the ol' days (2005 LOL) and missed this post. How great are you? You are, indeed, a Somebody. :o)
Posted by: Stephanie | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 01:31 AM
Wow, this is a really long post. I'll read it in the morning. Promise. (Where morning is defined as within several hours of getting up, not actually before noon in my time zone.)
Posted by: Andrea (noricum) | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 02:24 AM
Wow. That's just awesome... both that it's Abigail's birthday and that you reposted that disposition. I think you fried what's left of my brain. (hides the green koigu sock and it's second skein, stuck at the heel turn cuz I dislike the pattern...)
Posted by: Kae | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 03:25 AM
Happy Birthday, Abigail! Amazingly, Norma, I was lurking here all the way back then, because I remember this one. Fun to read again, though. I have a similar birth story with my second daughter - we made it with 15 minutes to spare. No icy temps, though - it was the end of August in New Orleans and I thought I would die of heatstroke.
Posted by: DebbieB | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 06:44 AM
Bribe, induce, coerce. Yup, that about sums it up. tee-hee.
And happy birthday to the astounding Abigail!
Posted by: Lynn | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 08:06 AM
Well this time, you really made me late for work and it was worth it btw;) Happy Birthday Abigail!!
Posted by: Carol | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 08:35 AM
I remember that post, I can't believe it was that long ago! Happy Birthday to Abigail. She's as beautiful as her mom.
Posted by: Carole | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 08:35 AM
Happy Birthday Abigail!
Norma, she is GORGEOUS! If God had seen fit to give me a girl to go along with My 3 Sons, I'd hope that she looked like her! She gets it from her mom, right? (wink, wink)
Posted by: Beth | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 08:37 AM
Happy Birthday Abigail. You are one beautiful, talented lady and very lucky to have a wacky, wonderful, mom. w00t!!
Posted by: margene | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 08:40 AM
Happy Birthday Abigail and I think Mr. Greenstripe needs to meet my current disaster, maybe he'll understand better ;)
Posted by: Liz | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 08:41 AM
Happy happy happy birthday, Abigail!
Thanks for reposting that deposition Norma. It's still such a hoot to read.
Posted by: Paula | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 08:42 AM
Happy Birthday Abigail from one BBC member to another!
Posted by: Cara | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 08:44 AM
A Very Happy Happy Birthday, Abigail! and Norma? a Very Happy Birth Day to you! Abigail's a Beauty for sure, takes after her mamma!
The deposition is hilarious, glad I took that little 'break' before I read it ;^)
Posted by: marianne | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 08:54 AM
Happy Birthday Abigail! Happy Mother's Day Norma! Thank you for making me fall down laugh in my office with the transcript -- it reminds me of a deposition I was part of a month or two ago. I needed a good laugh this morning. Best wishes for 2008.
Posted by: Diana | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 09:03 AM
Happy Birthday, Abigail?
(As an aside, Norma, how come you always get stuck with the loser doctors and vets and other such idiots? I should actually probably THANK you, since my experiences have been better - maybe you're taking the hits for all of us.)
Posted by: Carrie | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 09:13 AM
Good job on the baby-dropping, mom! Just look how she turned out.
LOL at your deposition!
Posted by: Roxie | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 09:24 AM
Happy Birthday Abigail! And if you haven't noticed? Your mom is a freaking nut! But that's why I love her.
Posted by: scoutj | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 09:27 AM
happy birthday to abigail
merry fireworks to you
365 days of blogging plus one -leap year i think
nuff to write a book abigail could play you
in the movie
think you could win the masondixon contest
you must have a box some where
i am in florida freezeeing by wed night
Posted by: elizabeth a airhart | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 09:35 AM
Happy Birthday Abigail! Great post Norma! I must have missed this one back in the early days of my blog reading and commenting- I was probably on vacation come to think of it. You definitely need to continue the series. What a h00t!
Posted by: Manise | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 09:38 AM
Happy Birthday, Abigail!
Posted by: Kathy | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 10:00 AM
Happy Birthday, Abigail!
Posted by: Danielle | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 10:19 AM
Happy Birthday, Abigail! And Norma? I wish you didn't live so far from NYC, though I feel very fortunate to have gotten to know you some through your blog. You are a treasure. Happy new year!
Posted by: regina | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 10:29 AM
Thanks mom!! But I must say...that baby picture makes my hair look flat. Darn.
Perhaps my stage name should have been Abigailcicle?
Posted by: Abigailcicle | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 10:36 AM
Happy Birthday, Abigail!! Happy New Year, NowNorma (or is it Ms. Knits?)!!
P.S. Heh. Ali was born on Easter weekend... tell me about the doctors who don't want to be there on the holiday.
Posted by: Vicki | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 10:43 AM
Happy Birthday, Abigail! It's my husband's dog Riso's birthday too - Riso gets chinese food on his birthday every year which I think is pretty plush for a dog, but I hope you score better than that.
I've not met your mom in person but I think she has to be one of the world's coolest people - and so by association/relation, you must be too. Have a fab day!
- no-blog-rachel (who actually has one)
Posted by: no-blog-rachel | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 11:11 AM
"They flock to them." *snort* You crack me up!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABIGAIL!!!! Glad you weren't born in the car! :)
Posted by: Elisabeth | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 11:25 AM
Happy birthday, Abigail Sylvia Miller! Norma, I love that you called her Abigailcicle and talked about how she was cold and then put a photo of her looking HOT!
Posted by: kmkat | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 11:36 AM
God. Can't you split up posts in a respectable fashion like normal people that area anxiety ridden about signing up for the blog 365??
HMMMM?
Happy, Happy Birthday to Abigail! May it be full of joy!
xo
Posted by: Sandy | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 12:16 PM
Happy Birthday to Abigail! I hope 23 is her break-out-and-be-famous year.
That transcript is hysterical.
Posted by: claudia | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 12:17 PM
Happy Birthday, Abigail! Thank you for not picking a stripper name. ;^)
♥
Posted by: Cookie | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 12:19 PM
Happy Birthday, Abigail. I'm laughing at her comment. Brains, beauty AND a great sense of humor. She'll go far!
Posted by: Annie | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 12:23 PM
Happy Birthday Abigail! and Norma...You kick ass as well! You ARE a contender, yes? I fully expect (cross out expect; insert I will not be surprised) to hear the announcement of your first published work! You rock! Wishing you a safe, but rockin' New Year!
Posted by: Beverly | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 02:03 PM
Happy birthday, Abigail! And happy Abigail's birthday, Norma. Somehow, that birth story doesn't surprise me at all... :)
Posted by: Jena (the yarn harpy) | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 05:30 PM
Happy Birthday Abigail!!!
Norma, in my cold induced fog it was a bit hard to follow the deposition.....but it was funny when I did get it. But in all my laughter I went into a coughing fit. ICK!
Well happy new year! Now maybe I should work on my second sock, poor stirpey is languishing in a bag down here in my craft room/office.
Posted by: Heather | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 05:32 PM
Happy birthday, Abigail!
Posted by: cari | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 05:47 PM
I was laughing so hard, my kids kept running into the kitchen to see what was so funny! They didnt get it to say the least,lol. That was great!!!
Posted by: N | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 06:58 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Posted by: Kathleen | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 09:24 PM
Happy birthday, Abigail!
And, Norma, I do remember that post. I had only just discovered your blog the week or so before that, but THAT was the post that got me hooked.
Posted by: --Deb | Monday, December 31, 2007 at 10:55 PM
13 years ago on New Year's Eve I got my appendix out. The doctors didn't want to be there for that, either. I got there at 7ish in the morning, and it took them until 11 pm to finally decide to call the surgeon-on-call. Good times for a 13 yo!
Posted by: Anne | Tuesday, January 01, 2008 at 03:06 PM
I'm trying to imagine a world in which my mother would say that I "totally kick ass." What a kickass mom you are, Norma!
And a great writer, too. So glad you're doing the every day thing. Can't think of a better way to spend the first night of the year than knitting, listening to Van Morrison & laughing till I cry over your deposition.
And I kid you not - I am actually knitting a heel flap. Right now. On the SECOND SOCK, even.
Stranger things have happened....
Posted by: Tracy in Qatar | Tuesday, January 01, 2008 at 03:56 PM
Nice bone struhk-chah.
Posted by: Alarming Female | Tuesday, January 01, 2008 at 08:23 PM
Catching up as usual, and it gives me great glee to say Happy Birthday, Abigail!...from one tax deduction to another. Do you also have the problem of figuring out your age occasionally when counting up by years? Wait, maybe that only starts happening when you're older. Or maybe it's just me. [g] I never can remember to just subtract a year. Anyway, we have the best birthday, I think; much of the world is celebrating! Hope yours was a good one!
Norma, love the deposition, and please, yes, write more! Also: My mom was already checked into the hospital, and I was her second, but they didn't believe her either when she told them I was on my way. It'd been 11 years since my brother; they thought she was just fussing. (As if.) Finally got her on a gurney after she kept insisting, checked her, and the intern said, "My god, she's crowning!" The intern delivered me. Mom's doctor stuck his head in her room much later and said he'd heard he'd done a good job!
Posted by: MonicaPDX | Wednesday, January 02, 2008 at 07:28 PM
PS - And LOL, we're precisely 30 years apart, too. Took me a while... (Yeah. Math-challenged. Like proof was needed.)
Posted by: MonicaPDX | Wednesday, January 02, 2008 at 07:34 PM
Happy Birthday, Abigail. I love the deposition, Norma. Hilarious. :-)
Posted by: Sue | Wednesday, January 02, 2008 at 10:18 PM