Living LARGE

I still remember the first time I went to Costco.  It had just opened up in our area, and it was the biggest thing (no pun intended) that had happened in this area in... well, since the Interstate went in in the -- well, whenever the hell it went in -- sometime when I was a little kid, I guess.  I can't really remember a time when it wasn't there, but then again, when I was a little kid, we didn't get off the island much.  Who knew there was a big world out there, with roads and hills and buildings and such.

A few years ago, I read in Esquire magazine some spoof Mapquest directions from the entrance of Costco to the dog food. It made me laugh out loud and I will always remember it. I tried to find it via Google, and I couldn't, but I found this at this site, which is similar:  (I'm not sure who stole from whom, but I certainly won't claim it as mine....)

COSTCO ENTRANCE to DOGFOOD

Directions:
  1. Start out heading EAST past the silos of sauerkraut.
  Distance: 2.6 miles
  2. Head NORTH past the woman giving out copies of John Grisham's THE KING OF TORTS.
  Distance: 3.1 miles
  3. Pass the PYRAMIDS OF 9-VOLT BATTERIES.
  Distance: 1.9 miles
  4. Turn LEFT at the WATERMELON PARTY PACKS.
  Distance: 6.7 miles
  5. Make a U-TURN at the PIZZA SHOP.
  Distance: 1.2 miles
  6. Dog food will be on your RIGHT, seven stacks up.

Total Estimated Time: 11 hours, 9 minutes
  Total Distance: 15.5 miles

(I seem to recall the distance given in the Esquire one as being 1.6 miles, but ...hm....that might actually be plausible and therefore not a spoof.)

Yes.  So.  I'll just cut to the chase here.  First time in Costco, I bought a bale of fresh spinach, five kilos of mixed salad greens, a steamer trunk full of fresh mushrooms (cleverly disguised as a regular clear plastic grocery-store package), and an entire flock of chickens, cut up and placed on one styrofoam tray.  The thing I didn't realize until I got home is that everything there is Edith Ann Scale:  Me pushing the Costco grocery cart = Edith Ann sitting in her chair.

Anyhoo, the rotted remains of the produce we could not eat ended up in the composter.

This is what happens with me and big-box stores. And every time I think I've gotten savvy to the Edith Ann Effect, it happens again.

For example, this is what I came home with yesterday. Take a gander at the new "little" laptop.The old one is sitting on top of it.

Lap dancing. (apologies to the disappointed googlers who end up here on that)

I truly can't manage this. I keep bumping stuff with it.  It doesn't fit in my carry case. It's HEAVY(ish). It's made for a bigger lap.

Yeah, it's got a great screen that is much MUCH easier on my eyes. It's got bells and whistles up the wazoo. I love it but I hate it. It's the SUV of laptops. It's got a whiz-bang DVD burner, it's got....

Ahhhh, hell.  I love it.  It's Large.

Meet the new blogging/home/desktop/not-very-portable laptop computer.

I'll get the IBM Thinkpad fixed for work.

P.S.  I had to reinstate the code thingy on the comments.  Too many spammers.

Comments

[Amanda]

I have a Dell laptop I bought a few years ago, less to use as a "laptop" (ie small, portable computer I could take places)than to use as a "desktop replacement" (ie computer to use as I would use a desktop, except I have no desk and have to use it on a TV tray). The base of this thing is a good 3" thick, and it weighs a ton. I love it dearly. :-)

On a semi-related note, this entry reminded me of the "portable" comp my Mom used to bring home from work sometimes in the mid-80s. It was approximately the size of 15" TV set. In a bag.

[Sarah]

Congrats on the new comp, Norma!

[Carrie]

Some laptops are portable, some aren't. (Nonportable hinged computer didn't sound as nice, I guess.) I have one of the latter variety. And as an interesting aside that you probably know about, laptops should never be used in one's lap. Apparently, people (especially men) were getting burns in, um, sensitive locations from the heat generated by the laptop. It takes a while to heat up so, like a sunburn, by the time you realize it hurts, it's too late. Ouch.
We buy lots and lots at Costco. We call it the $100 store. My husband recently purchased a chest freezer (from Costco, natch) because our regular freezer wouldn't hold all the frozen stuff from Costco. But at least now there's room for my ice cream. (We figured out once that, if we only bought milk there, we'd recover the cost of our membership in five months. Ditto for gas. We loves the Costco.)

[Julie]

Can you believe I've never been in a Costco?

[Dave Daniels]

Congrats on the new acquisition. I'm a little nervous, though, because I have the IBM....any words of advice? (Yes, I've already backed up a lot of things.)

[rock chick]

See, size *does* matter.

[Cookie]

You only got one? Doesn't CostCo sell them by the three pack? Or is that just steak sauce and shampoo?

[Cara]

Congrats on the laptop. I joined Costco for one thing and one thing only: The Mango Peach Salsa. It's worth the $50.00 price of admission. And it's all Ann's fault.

[Wanda]

The big box stores get you all the time. I never thought there was much value to it, but it can work for some things and I love buying my gas there. Congrats on the new non-portable laptop!

[--Deb]

Congrats on the new computer! Sometimes bigger really is better!

[Teresa C]

I hear ya girl! I have that same computer and generally refer to it as my "semi-portable desk top" that has dreams of being a laptop. And what Carrie says it true, but my husband purchased a cooling thing that his laptop sits on while it is in his lap, or on the desk or whatever. Helps a lot.

[Marcia]

Hah! My sons call it the THREE hundred dollar store! I do find that their produce lasts longer by far than the local IGA and their meat is incredible. I need to go...out of paper towels! Congrats on the new machine.

[Steph VW]

I haven't been to Costco in about 4 years. The last time we were there, Mr. Happy and I spent all our time imagining the ill-advised impulse buying that goes on there.

It starts small, with the foodstuffs: "Mom, can we get the 10 pound bag of Jolly Ranchers?"

Then, we see the household products: "Harold - we've got to get this 20 pound box of dryer sheets, they're so cheap!"

And then, lord-liftin' love a duck, we lose our minds and have to go home for the pickup truck: "Oh wow - a hot tub for only $####!!!! We've got to get it - that's such a great deal!"

Nice computer. Glad you bought it and not the 10-seater hot tub with massaging jets.

(Can you imagine if Costco sold YARN?)

[jenn]

Cousin, you just gave me one more reason to add to the list of why I love you. You know that Popeye song. I randomly sing that all the time and no one ever gets the reference.

Yeay for new laptop. Though I can tell you that I had the same problem (you know, the big-ness) with my current laptop, but I promise you get used to it. Having that bigger screen is *lovely*.

And I'm not allowed to go into costco. I wasn't allowed to go into costco *before* I moved to NYC, but now I wouldn't be able to fit *myself* into my apartment if I were to go.

[Dusa]

Do ya think the spammers have anything to do with the phrase "lap dancing" in your post.

And the white chocolate macadamia cookies were to die for until they changed the recipe. Bas-tahs!

[Carole]

Congrats on the large laptop. Aren't I always telling you that size matters?

[Judy]

mY first laptop fit in a large purse I used as a briefcase. It wasn't heavy. It used a measy 60watts of power. The second one, upped the power usage to 75watts. It became increasingly difficult to use it on my 12 volt solar system, it wanted more power, consistant power. The laptop I have now, eats electricity 125 watts and I now have to keep it on AC. Even with my inverter, it isn't happy performing while it's charging. It weighs a ton, doesn't fit into most briefs and is generally a nuasance to carry around. It does most everything. It is a LOT smaller than yours. Good luck. oh, and I did go to Costco today and bought a field of greens.

[Isela]

You will get used to it--your lap will get used to its bigness :).

I have a Dell--nice and thin, but I can't get used to it--I am too used to my desktop.

[Kristen]

You'll enjoy that new laptop! I recycled my desktop a couple of years ago and now just use the laptop for everything (a 15" screen, mind you--saving the eyesight is good).

Never been to a Costco, but I've been to similar stores. I can see how it could be good for large families of reasonable spenders, but not for this single (at the time) female.

[Elisabeth]

I have an iBook that I love. I'm not so found of carrying it around and it's not that big. I guess I'll never be a computer-toting kind of gal.

Still haven't been to Costco, but I'd probably faint. Went to Target yesterday and was amazed that you couldn't buy toilet-paper in less than packs of 12. Too used to buying at small stores in the city, I guess.

[margene]

We LOVE Costco. It's a weekly stop for us and we spend at least $100 every time. We got the Executive membership and it really pays off. All our meet and many of our fruits and veggies come from there, as well as TP and some snack food that we allow ourselves. We've bought cameras, tired and even our bed...it's a real place to save and buy BLUE!!!!

[Kathleen]

Woohoo! Congrats on the new blogging tool! I hate our Laptop but the warranty is good for 2 more years. I'll deal.

[Kelly]

Congratulations on the new laptop!

[denny Mcmillan]

Thankfully all our big box stores are out in the 'burbs. I don't drive. I don't get to go to Costco. Sounds like my wallet likes that, me,I'm a bit curious.Are they really that big?

[Martha]

What the hell is Vermont coming to these days? Costco? I suppose you have first-run movies and radio stations that aren't pre-recorded now, too.

[jillian]

That is hysterical! It's so true - the sense of scale in those places is surreal.

Congrats on the new 'puter!

[freecia]

You think Costco is oversized here, imagine being in Japan with much shorter people and small small apartments http://pinkurocks.typepad.com/pinku/2006/05/hobbies_and_hot.html

I'd be in so much trouble if Costco or Amazon affiliated with Knit Picks, my credit card would melt. You'd think I didn't work in a yarn store.

[Lucia]

Your new critter can dance on my lap any time. Very sexy.

(Some really, really disappointed surfers now...)

[Christina]

A new Costco just opened up in my area. Now instead of 45 min to either the north or south, it's a 15 min drive from my house. Ouch.

We went yesterday, of course. 16 lightbulbs for $5. A set of drinking glasses (10 each of 3 sizes) for $16. All those really good deals add up quickly. After walking around for an hour and covering less than half the store, we decided we probably had enough and needed to just leave Right Now.

Good thing I drive a pickup though.

[Christine]

Costco rocks in a very evil way and we totally need a larger freezer. I do love when you see people in the parking lot abandoning the boxes for their new TVs so they can squeeze them into their vehicle with their umpteen pack of TP and paper towels.