WTFriday: All The Bad News That's Fit To Print

1. I made my first batch of mozzarella cheese yesterday. I'm very disappointed and whiny about the whole thing. I wasted a whole gallon of really good organic raw milk that I drove a good distance to acquire. The people who say cheesemaking is much easier than yogurt-making are wrong and they should have to write that on the chalkboard 110 times, RIGHT NOW. And the directions in the little booklet that came with the cheesemaking kit I sent for are terribly ambiguous. Worse, they are gleefully described on the package to be SO EASY A 7-YEAR-OLD can do it, exclaims one testimonial. 

Well, I suppose that's me and Sarah Palin: Not smarter than your average 7-year-old. I can never figure out what so-called universal symbols are supposed to mean, and I can't make mozzarella like any old 7-year-old should be able to do. Let me see if I can remember how to tie my shoes... hm. I'll have to get back to you on that.

(Take out a colander, it says, but then doesn't have an instruction in which you use a colander, for example.) (Add the dissolved rennet, stirring in an up-and-down motion. WTF does THAT mean?) (Drain the floating whey off the top. But if you try that, the curds go down the drain with it.) (Ladle the curds into a bowl. They had not said to take out a ladle, but a slotted spoon -- and chasing the little curds with the slotted spoon in all that whey is like trying to get guppies out of a 100-gallon murky fish tank using a salmon net.) I finally said $%#&* *^&%##% (come on; are you surprised?), and poured it into the colander that the instructions had TOLD me to take out, but without telling me what to do with it, to drain the whey off the curds. And when it comes to the addition of salt, the quantity specified (1 T.) MUST be wrong, because that cheese is so salty I can hardly eat it. VERDICT: Mozzarella-making is fiddly, MUCH more complicated than making yogurt, and though I will probably try it again someday, I will not jump to make it again tomorrow. I'll use my good milk for yogurt or ice cream and just buy my freakin' mozzarella. 

2. Yesterday was July 1, and Mr. Jefferies had had a haircut the day before. Poor l'il dude was shivering so much yesterday afternoon (high temp in the mid-60s F) that I had to put his alpaca sweater on him. That's just not RIGHT.

3.  It seems to me that it's been raining and grey pretty much nonstop, and yet yesterday afternoon when I went to check my garden, almost everything was BONE DRY. I had to water. I could die.

4. The strawberries I planted seem to have been asleep, sitting dormant, not doing anything, looking like they are not thriving, but just (barely) BEING. I felt it was probably a pH problem, and since my soil is often on the acid side (though this soil is the bagged MooDoo potting soil, so I really don't understand why it would have a pH imbalance, but there you go) last week I gave most of them a little feeding of lime.  They seem to have perked up a bit since then -- some of them, anyway. But they are still not bursting out with a joyful rendition of "I Feel Pretty!" as they should be.

Ditto for the peppers. JUST.SITTING.THERE. I thought I gave all of the peppers some lime and bone meal last week, but as of yesterday three have sort of taken off and three are still JUST.SITTING.THERE looking anemic and pathetic, like they are out on the frigid corner of a building in January for a smoke break, rather than sitting in the beautiful peninsula garden of expensive soil and sun I made JUST.FOR.THEM. Ungrateful snots. I guess I need to get out there and give them some lime, too. And perhaps some fertilizer. Maybe all the rain has leached out the nutrients from the soil; I don't know.

5. I've spotted my first Japanese beetles. Gardengeddon.

6. I have planted bush beans four times. It is not a good story.

If they deign to germinate, they either seem to rot at the base (or something is eating their roots) or get eaten by something when they are in the cotyledon stage. These are the few that are hanging on so far, but they don't look well.

I'm having my usual unimpressive results with pole beans. Sort of like the people who yelled that cheesemaking was EASY compared to yogurt (Yes, I'm bitter; why do you ask?), the people who shout out that pole beans are superior to bush beans because they produce all season are just plain WHACKED.

They just SIT there and SIT there. Slow growth, and I do mean S-L-O-W. This is always the case with me and pole beans. They just don't LIKE ME. I'm starting to get a complex. The gardening books say these things start producing right away and produce all season as they grow up the pole, and Jack will be climbing the beanstalk and bring me back the golden ticket from the chocolate factory. Wait. I think I'm mixing up my stories a little bit. But those people and their pole bean fairytales are JUST.SO.WRONG. Pfffffft.

7. I fear that I can see the telltale early signs of the squash vine borers, and I'm sick about it. Freaking moths. I'm hoping it's just my imagination and I'm holding my breath. What a shame if we managed to keep away the beetles and the bugs, and yet our squash still got ruined by the borers. Gahhhhhhhhhh.

8. My sinuses are taking a wee bit of umbrage with the level of dairy eating I've been doing. They are my own little "off" switch to stop me from overeating the ice cream, so I can't just sit and down those incredibly complex and delicious and adventurous flavors all day. 

But there is some good news!

1. Not one cucumber beetle has been seen, nor squash bug, except the one cucumber beetle I killed. The nasturtiums have worked WONDERS in that regard. 

2. Is there anything cuter than a baby cucumber in bloom?

These are those lonnnnng English cucumbers, and this is what they look like before they are pollinated. Can you believe that thing is going to be a foot long or longer when it's mature? 

3. We're eating delicious broccoli!

And beets and radishes and asparagus and lettuces and onions and black raspberries and Swiss chard. It's really more than two people can possibly eat. I've been giving some to my mom and the neighbors. Soon the many cabbages I planted are about to take center stage. I don't have any idea how we're going to eat them all. Please do not suggest kimchi or sauerkraut. I do.not.like either of those, even though I would love to love them. I love the idea of them, and I could totally see myself wasting days and weeks and months (or however long it takes to make that smelly crap) making it, only to throw it away because I can't tolerate it. So it'll be fresh or braised or cooked with root veggies and corned beef or something, and SHARED. A lot of it will be shared. 

4. See #8 above. The sinuses are keeping me from overindulging in all the most amazing flavors of ice cream I've been making. OK, it's only been two. I made two batches of orgasmic rose petal ice cream and one batch of orgasmic strawberry-basil. You want my honest assessment? ORGASMIC. But beyond that, the basil ice cream base BEFORE I put in the pureed strawberries, was OR-GASSSSSS-MIIIIIIIICCCCCCC. Next time, I'm going to forget about the strawberries and just make basil. I know it sounds strange, but you have to believe me: O. I'm not even kidding. 

But, thank goodness for my screaming sinuses. Otherwise I'd gain back all the weight I lost over the winter, and PLUS have to work out 13 hours a day. 

So see? It's all good, even the bad.   

Comments

[Tammy]

Freeze that cabbage for winter soup! I thinly sliced a butt-ton, lightly blanched it, patted dry and spread on cookie sheet to freeze and when frozen broke up into my desired size. I'm going to also try adding to stir fry, but haven't tried that, so can't speak to how it will hold it's crunch. I've even seen a recipe for pickled red cabbage if that's what you have. The commenter had tried it with white and it came out sorta pinkish and I wasn't impressed with the color - but to each her own.

[Auntiemichal.blogspot.com]

My first batch of mozzarella didn't come out great (the salt wasn't mentioned at all in the recipe I used, so it's pretty bland) but it melts well and tastes fine in a grilled turkey sandwich. I'm going to try again using this detailed recipe: http://www.instructables.com/id/Great-Mozzarella-Cheese and the companion recipe for ricotta which you make from the leftover whey: http://www.instructables.com/id/Great-Ricotta-Cheese-From-Whey The author updated the recipe a number of times and it seems to be stable and complete now. Don't give up! If you can make ice cream from roses, you can make mozzarella from milk! Also, please tell Mr. J he looks good in a sweater any time.

[grace]

my husband loves basil ice cream, its his all time favorite!!

[gayle]

All this rainy gray weather is making the garden sulk. Things that were growing like crazy earlier have slowed down considerably. Come on, sunshine!
At least Mr J is looking good in the cold weather!

[Mike]

Sarah (my daughter-in-law) makes mozzarella routinely and it always works for her. Did she give you her recipe? She tests procedures for cookbook writers, so if you want to give her a call let me know and I'll send you her number. It takes a ton of time to make the stuff. Me? I prefer to get it at Costco, even if they might firm it up with some petroleum fractions from Conoco.

[Carol]

Some garden days are just like that. Even in Australia.

[Emily G]

I make "unstuffed" cabbage by shredding cabbage and layering it with ground beef/turkey, onions, garlic, tomatoes/tomato sauce, and rice and bake it (or simmer on the stove) for awhile. Same flavors of stuffed cabbage, much less work. (And uses lots of cabbage)

[Elizabeth in VT]

My pole beans have stopped in their tracks. Actually, so have the morning glories, and the clematis. I think it's the lack of warm weather. Grey and chilly discourages gardeners and gardens.

[Joansie]

My son-in-law makes mozzarella cheese and he sure makes it seem easy. Are you going to the cheese festival at Shelburne Farms the last week of July?

[Elizabeth]

I'm having the same experience with bush beans, peppers and strawberries. That said, the wild strawberries I am finding where I've never found them before (like everywhere) are going gangbusters. Hmpf. Can we have a little heat now please?
I got a dvd with my cheese-making kit. You know how much 7 year olds like videos.

[Emma]

Sorry about your Runner [pole] beans. Ours are flowering like crazy, and we've stopped them at the top of the poles. Main problem here is keeping the birds from pecking off the flowers ! The old allotment trick is to fill a trench with good, well rotted manure, top with soil and then plant or sow your beans on top of that.
I grow mine in a tub of Wool Compost :
http://www.wigglywigglers.co.uk/shop/product.html?product_id=1112
Then feed with seaweed :
http://www.seaweedproducts.co.uk/

I don't know if you can get those in the U.S., but thought you'd like the links. I can spend hours looking at garden sundries !

I'll a;los show you where I get my Mozarella, just to really p**s you off ! :
http://www.laverstokepark.co.uk/buffalo-mozzarella-cheese

xxx

[Kym]

Gardening. . . sure has its ups and downs! My tomatoes are going to take over the world, but I can't seem to grow basil this year. Basil! And I, too, have just begun my annual battle with the dreaded Japanese Beetle -- my jar of soapy water is primed and ready to go. (I hear even 7 year olds can kill Japanese Beetles with a jar of soapy water. . .)

[Patty]

Our beans are suffering too...and something is stealing my parlsey plants! No rosemary or sage just the parsley. Probably some silly wabbit. Enjoy the weekend!

[Marilyn]

I planted zinnia and poppy seed and they came up but basically are just sitting there too. But the last 3 days of 90 degree weather should change that. I think Mother Nature is trying to catch up on the previous lack of heat all in one week.

[Jennifer]

That sucks that the cheese didn't work out, but yay for the awesome ice creams. I found this post on making cheeses a while ago and have yet to try it out. http://www.passionateaboutbaking.com/2009/08/foodbuzz-24-24-24-say-cheese-its_30.html It's a little picture heavy.

[marianne]

That Mike sure is funny.
Drats about the gardening woes, may you get some sunny warm days soon.
I hear you re: dairy and sinuses. !!!!!
I wrote out a comment about that sentence with reference to yourself and SP but had to delete it. ;^)

[margene]

You have dreariness and we have the heat. The broccoli has bolted already! Smith said almost everything else looks good, but I haven't been over to see for myself. We'll steal from the other gardens if need be.
Gardening is pure adventure.

[Mary K. in Rockport]

Our garden is sulking right now, too, third year in a row. It's got to be a weather thing. Your commenter's suggestion for "cabbage lasagna" sounds yummy - gonna try that. And, my daughter and I are going out early tomorrow to boost some rose petals from the beach to make your jelly!

[Joannah]

Perhaps the only upside to having no garden is that I have no garden-woes to report. But, WOW to your ice cream-making extravaganza. I bet all kinds of herbs would be great in ice cream or sorbet. Just a thought.

[Cheryl S.]

Try my Orange-Basil Mojito. It's awesome.

I tried pole beans once, but wasn't impressed. Last year I grew Lilly Miller Blue Lake 274 Bush Beans, and they were awesome. Not only delicious, but produced two or three waves on each plant.

I have one pepper out of 8 that looks sickly. No idea why.

[sueinithaca]

Oh no! I steered you wrong! And here I assumed that you already *knew* how to make mozzarella, because you're fantastic at everything. Bugger. FWIW, I've successfully made all sorts of cheese (ricotta, farm cheese, cheddar, etc) and have never successfully made mozzarella. Dunno what that's about.

I did think of you the other day when my 3 year old yelled "That goddamn fucking chicken just knocked over my water glass!" Other parents were *horrified,* but I thought, "well, Norma seems to have a mouth like I do and her daughter appears to have turned out on the right side of the law." Mind you, I am trying to reign him in a bit, especially in public, but I feel like that was a perfectly appropriate use of swear words.

[Kayten]

I hate garden woes.
Red cabbage: Saute some Vidalia onions in a little olive oil. Add a tsp or 2 of Better Than Broth Organic Chicken stock (comes in a small jar). Add thinly sliced red cabbage and enough water to steam lightly. Add caraway seeds or fennel seeds to taste. The last five minutes add thinly sliced apples of your choice. Mm-m-mm! Makes me think of my mom. Works with green cabbage, too.
Try rinsing the sauerkraut and doing the above. Great on hot dogs or kielbasa.
My tomatoes are sad, but my beans are happy.

[naomi]

I love cabbage in slaw-type things, especially the Asian-inspired kind (not quite as vinegary as sauerkraut or as spicy as kimchi, though I do like kimchi). Or there's a recipe from the NY Times from a couple of years ago, for a marinated salad of raw broccoli, which would probably work very well with cabbage. (If you don't have it/can't find it and want it, e-mail me.)

[Erika]

I agree with you on the cheese. I had this whole plan to experiment with cheese-making over the winter.

My first batch of mozzarella turned out pretty well. But I gotta tell you, even "pretty good" mozzarella is a fuck of a lot of work just to get, you know. Mozzarella. And good milk, as you note, is not cheap.

Some things are just not worth the effort. (I put pie crust in that category too. Homemade pie crust is better, sure, but it's not worth the effort.)

[sil]

Re your cabbage thingie, may I suggest Curtido a spicy cabbage that you eat as a side with pupsas (or really anything as it's super delish). It takes about two minutes to make, so no big commitment.

Here's a link to illustrate:
http://www.thewholegang.org/2009/05/spicy-slaw/

[sil]

I was trying to type "pupusas"...

[Seanna Lea]

When I make paneer (a simpler process presumably than mozzarella), I heat the milk and add lemon juice. I stir it slowly around in one direction, which allows the curds to get larger rather than being tiny little curds. I line a colander with cheese cloth and spoon out the larger pieces. I then slowly pour the rest of the whey and curd mixture over the paneer and then rinse it with water. I'm sure that you can modify this method for mozzarella to get a better result when you try it again.

Paneer needs to be drained and pressed, which means I don't make it as often any more now that there is a curious cat and a dog in the house.

[Becky in VT]

I'm quite certain I'm smarter then the average 7 year old (why yes, I am confident of myself) and I've had some problems with mozzarella. Mine tends to be not-salty enough though - I think I've managed to kneed all the salt out of it a few times... That would also explain the shoe-leather texture I get. And yes, I've tried just kneading it less, it's a disaster too.

Anyway, this is how I make cheese at home: heat the milk, add some acid (vinegar or lemon juice) stir until it clumps into curds, and strain it. Add salt to taste and use it like ricotta or add some herbs and use as a cheese spread.

The temperature doesn’t have to be exact and neither does the acid, but I generally heat until it’s just below a simmer and add 1/4-1/2 a cup of vinegar for a gallon of milk - until you see the curds. Use a cheese-cloth lined colander to strain it or you loose everything. This really is stupidly easy and delicious.