Be Sure You Wear Clean Underwear

This is a story for Margene.  Her surgery has been postponed to Friday, so I just want to make sure to tell her that the old warning our mothers always gave us STILL HOLDS TRUE.  Believe it.

I am not telling tales out of school by blabbing about this:  Margene shared with us (you may have missed this, but I have a memory like an elephant), a long time ago in her "100 Things About Me" post, that she hates wearing underwear.  We are personal friends and I know this is true -- she's always telling those around her that they, too, should try going commando. She's a girl from the '60s -- what can I tell ya?  Go commando!  The air feels nice!  No pinching.  No twisting.  No elastic to press on the nerves or on the tops of the thighs.  No panty lines!  It's awesome.

TMI ALERT!

Me too sometimes.  No, not ALL THE TIME.  Now I just know that every time you see me, you'll be wondering.  And of course that is EXACTLY WHY I'M WRITING THIS POST.  Heh.  

But there have been some times when this was a problem, and I just know you want to hear all about them, in excruciating detail.  

Don't you?  

Come on.  Admit it.

1.  I don't need to remind my Sisters of a Certain Age that our -- ahem -- times of the month are like, WHEN?  WHERE?  When was that last period?  Didn't I just HAVE one last ---- Uh, when was that, again?  It's a pain in the ass, even more than usual.  Am I right?  And of course it's always at the worst possible time when I'm visited by The Curse -- the day when I'm not anywhere near home, the two tampons I had in my purse have disintigrated and I've only just YESTERDAY cleaned out my purse and thrown them away, I have a packed schedule and can't get to a drug store, and all the tampon machines are not working, not stocked -- or worse, the new bathrooms don't even have them sometimes.  What a great fiscally responsible and esthetic initiative that was.  Really it IS more important to have beautiful artwork in the bathroom than having a tampon machine.  I totally agree with that trend -- no, I really do! -- because women menstruating is soooooo last century.  

Recently I visited Fletcher Allen Health Care's Breast Care Center for my routine mammogram.  MEMO TO FAHC:  Your public bathrooms don't have tampon machines!  WHY?!  Do we need to have a bake sale to raise money for the tampon dispensers?  Or what?

I'm in trouble. I've unexpectedly started my period, I'm wearing a lightweight khaki-colored skirt, I have classes later in the day.  But no problem, right?  I'm in a top-rated women's health care facility.  Surely they have tampons stuck behind their ears and falling out of file cabinets and in baskets like floral arrangements in the bathrooms.  

Right?

Wrong.  Not one sign of feminine hygiene products anywhere in the Breast Care Center's bathroom.  We do breasts here, people -- NOT vaginas!

So I go back to the front desk. I'm doing the longest kegel of my life -- it should be in the Guinness Book of World Records, this kegel -- and I'm walking like I have the proverbial corncob up my...you know... while I say, "I've got a little problem.  I need a tampon, like, TEN MINUTES AGO."  I figure they'll swiftly hand me a tampon and I'll be on my way back to the sanctuary to take care of my leetle feminine emergency. The whole ordeal will be over quick as a wink, and no one will be the wiser.  I know, RIGHT?

WRONG.

These women look at me like this problem has never, ever surfaced in their office before.  They panic.  They fidget.  They back up their desk chairs and look like they're going to do something, but they don't quite know what it is they should do.  They tell me there is the public hospital bathroom down the hall, just around the corner.  Well, that is the same bathroom I use when I'm working in the med school, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a tampon-dispensing machine in it, but I rush over there anyway to check.  Nope.  I stuff toilet paper in my underwear, but this is a bit of a problem, because I'm wearing a thong.  It doesn't hold much of anything, and what it does hold, it doesn't hold securely.  I can just envision myself in an episode of I Love Lucy, a line of t.p. leaving a trail behind me as I walk.  So I have to hold it in place with my thighs.  

Back to the desk I go, with a wrinkle in my brow and still walking funny.  

I ask all the women there if they perhaps have a tampon in their purses personally, that they could share with a woman in need. I'll PAY, people!

Most of them looked like deer caught in headlights, but the ones who did speak up, all said, "No, I don't have a TAMPON," delivered with that sort of "ew" voice like I might have just asked them to infect me with chlamydia.  "I think I might have a pad."  How is it that in 2009 I have walked into a women's health care facility in the U.S. of A., where all the women use PADS?  PADS?  Are you KIDDING ME?  An "ew" response to tampons?  I really had no idea there was this rampant tampon phobia alive and well around me, which just goes to show that if I thought I had my finger right on the pulse of modern femininity, I was apparently woefully wrong.

Anyhoo. 

Seriously, this was exactly the situation.  I'm not even exaggerating one tiny bit.  A woman (a young girl, really, by my standards) went to get me a pad.  And I had to tell her, "Um, I don't really have the right underwear on for a pad."  

FINALLY, after that, someone came up with a tampon for me.  

So there's lesson number one and a public service announcement all in one.  This is important:  Pack a tampon in your purse, but if you throw away your tampons, be sure to put a pair of granny panties in, too, JUST IN CASE YOU ENTER A WOMEN'S HEALTH CARE FACILITY STAFFED WITH ALL WOMEN, NONE OF WHOM USE TAMPONS.   

Apparently I'm more of a hussy than I even realized.  Read story number two, and any remaining doubt will be erased. 

2.  I recently had an appointment with a dermatologist for a full-body skin scan.  Just routine, ya know, because a) I'm of a certain age which I have to keep admitting, and b) my siblings have had suspicious things removed, even though they are all younger than I am, so I figure it's time to have it done.  Just as I'm leaving the house, I ask my husband to throw me a pair of knickers from the laundry pile that has just emerged from the dryer -- "I guess I should wear underwear today," I say jokingly, "though it won't matter in that office, because I'll be buck naked when they do the exam [Well, wouldn't YOU expect a full-body skin scan to be, well, you know -- FULL BODY?!] and nobody will know whether I have underwear on or not."  I slipped the panties on just before I walked out the door.  

I get to the office, and the nurse interviews me, asks me why I'm there, etc.  I tell her just to have my skin and moles looked at by a professional, that my sibs have had some issues, so I just want to be sure everything is OK.  

She tells me to get undressed, put on the gown with the opening in the front or the back -- my choice -- and she starts to leave the room.  As she's at the door, she says, "Oh, and you can KEEP YOUR UNDERWEAR ON." 

  

Semper ubi sub ubi.

Comments

[ruth]

This is hilarious!

[Bruny]

I love it...you are too funny!!

[Kathy]

Thanks for starting my day with a laugh! I am going for my annual mammogram today and will make sure I have a tampon in my purse "just in case" since I don't want to have to put anyone out at a women's healthcare center.

[sandy]

Okay, look, I have seen your underwear. Not on you, but just hanging around. I have not seen Margene's underwear but now I know why. :)
I could not have survived my life without tampons. I kid you not.
My kingdom for a tampon.
LX

[Manise]

Hehe. You are funny!

[Alexandra Jump]

Yet another reason why I love my hysterectomy! Thank you for the giggle!
Alexandra
Blackramfarm

[Michele]

trust me, the hot flashes are totally worth it.

[Julie]

Thanks for the laugh! Now excuse me while I go make sure there's a tampon in my purse.

[Nora]

What a riot. Glad it worked out, finally!

[Geri]

One of the reasons I enjoy being of a certain age where I no longer need to carry tampons! Hell getting there, but oh so grand now!!

[Carol]

And then there's the time where you pack a bag for the weekend but FORGET underwear. I don't carry tampons either. Maybe it was all the toxic shock stuff of the 1970's but I don't use them either really. I'm never sure if you have to change them every time you pee because they always seem to fall out then. TMI? And I pee, a lot.

[Emma]

And my husband wonders why I lug a great big handbag around ! If anyone needs a tampon, slim pads, tissues hand wipes, mints, pen, paper, ....I'm your woman !
I'm still campaigning for an off switch. I'm too old for all this rushing to the bathroom, oops, business.
Everyone went commando until late Victorian times. One advantage to long skirts.

[gayle]

I'm trying to figure out which would have appalled my mother more - leaving the house with holey underwear, or with no underwear at all...

[(no longer at) a simple yarn]

Being highly into back-to-nature type stuff about 15 years ago, I read about a nifty little gadget used before we got so high-tech with disposable tampons. It's called a menstrual cup or better yet, a moon cup. (What's not to like about that name?) Can I say that this little gem has revolutionized my life?!? (Alright, a bit of an overstatement, but still...) Insert in the morning and you're good to go all day practically. Empty, rinse, reinsert. The first cup I bought lasted 10 years! No waste, lots cheaper. Wow! Even have a little fabric bag to put in when not in use. They cost about $35 but over the course of 10 years, that's pretty cheap. Figuring my second one will last me til I'm done with all this menstrual stuff.

Oh right, it's called The Keeper...www.keeper.com

You're public service announcement is done now...

[Debshepknits]

Thank you for the laughs, Norma! A great way to start my day!

[sueinithaca]

ahahahahahaha! I probably wouldn't have had a tampon for you either. Two words: diva cup. Comes with a nice little bag for itself so it can stay in your purse in case of emergencies, and you don't have to change it nearly so often. It's revolutionized my life. I might've had the diva cup, but you just don't share that kind of thing.

[thea]

I'm the opposite - scared of getting my period so I have a few OLD pairs. I mean really old, like college old. I'm 40. They're gray, frayed, maybe even a little stained from you know, a past episode or two - I mean, it's been what, 12 x 20? It's happened. And I toss a pair of those on when I know it's a coming. Why ruin the pretty pairs? My husband - and even my daughter - mock me for my horrendous 20 year old Jockeys.

Guess what I was wearing last fall when I needed to be rushed straight to doctor and then the hospital for emergency surgery and an overnight stay? They also told me to Keep My Underwear On. ugh. (I explained to anyone who'd listen!)

I'd rather be a sexy cougar like you!

[Carole]

You haven't written a post like this in a long time and I've missed them. You had me howling. And yes, I use tampons. And let me tell you something. Having a 17 year old young woman living in the house has screwed up my cycle like you wouldn't believe. I get it early all the time now thanks to her raging levels of estrogen. Ugh!

[Deirdre]

Oh, my gosh, I did a spit-take with my coffee... thanks for such a great start to my day! yeah, maybe it was a little TMI, but thanks for sharing... really...

[Anne]

It's all cyclical to some extent, isn't it? We used to have to bring a Ziploc bag (or whatever passed for a Ziploc back in the dark ages) of clean undies and stuff to nursery school, in case we had accidents.

Same shit, different decade.

Oh. Oops. I said "shit". Now we'll probably all be subjected to a post full of pithy Norma remembrances about the time she was on I-81 and there was this snowstorm, and she almost drove off the road into a ditch. Guess you can't shit in your drawers if you ain't wearin' em tho, can ya?

PS - I commented. You might start wishing I didn't, eh?

[margene]

Still commando here! They make sure to give me pajama pants at the hospital.

[weeza]

Another vote for the diva cup/mooncup. Won't disintegrate in your bag, handy when you don't have a shot glass or eyebath ;) and fantastic for its intended purpose - as long as you don't mind trying to use your own body as a glove puppet. Also practise using before attempting public bathroom use, they are slippery buggers... ('excuse me, could you just kick that back over here?').

[marissa]

Where do you find the courage for commando??? I used to wear bike shorts under my scrub dresses at the hospital because I had so many spills where I ended ass up with my heels literally over my head (and not in a fun Grey's Anatomy sort of way).
I've since given up on dresses completely. Apparently, I just don't have the coordination for it. And nobody , nobody, needs to see that side of ME, accidentally or intentionally. Yikes.
And it may be OCD, or just me, but I've never been able to wear anything less than a tamp and TWO pads! You ain't doing that in a thong!
You need products in a pinch- I'm your girl.

I've got a feeling this laugh was the high point of my day!

[Miranda]

Loved it -- especially the last quote, which is the ONLY thing I remember from a year of Latin in high school!
I recently gave all my tampons (no longer need them -- bwaaaahaha!) to a friend, who swore they were Magic Tampons, since she stopped needing them soon after I gave them to her. She tried giving them to her pubescent daughter, but unfortunately the magic didn't work on her.

[Anne]

ROFLMAO!! Oh, Norma, you are just what I needed this morning. I agree with all those who recommended a keeper, or diva cup or moon cup. Life saver. Of course, I had a Mirena IUD put in a few years back and haven't had a period to speak of since. Freedom!!

[Patty]

I like a little commando now and again. Good for using those pee cups I got from you! :-)

[Andi]

You crack me up! I can SO relate to the no tampon/thong thing-Murphy's Law! ;0)

[Donna]

That's hilarious. Thanks for the morning giggle. Or snort. Whatever...

[Jean E.]

You are so funny! My college roommate used to like to say "semper ubi sub ubi," I think that was the only thing she remembered from Latin class.

[Carrie]

I haven't used tampons since before Squeak. Menstrual cups, baybee! The wave of the future. Reusable, washable (they'd have to be, no?), you don't have to empty them but once or twice a day in the comfort of your own home, and in all that time, no leaks.
And also, BAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahaha at Anne's comment.

[Mrs Cabrio]

I think it is totally unfair of me to comment on only your hilarious posts but how could I not? This is so real and so very, very funny. Thank you, Norma. I promise to comment on the next terribly dull post I read. (That will be a long while!)

[Joansie]

OMG......I am ROTFL. Now, you do know that the Breast Care Center is part of my department? Can I tell the girls about your posts?...lol. and have them take better care of your needs in the future...lol. Norma, you are just absolutely hilarious.

[marianne]

Hahahahah, did not know, about Margene, and you. I'm your commando sister, not 24/7 but damned close. While I am also a child of the '60s, I initially learned the joys of going commando from my grandmother! An earthy woman, yet modest, wore her underpants to work but the second she got home shed them fast. As to sexy little underpants, Bobby being the child of the 60s also... he's never been impressed, just give him naked :^) I've not been a bleeding woman for years and oh, how I love it. Loved Weeza's comment, gave me a howling fit.
This has been an exceptional slice O'Breakfast Pie, thank you, sweetie.

[Renee]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[regina]

Bless your heart, Norma.

[Jeanne]

Thanks for the great story! I've been done with my monthlies for several years now - and have not yet gotten around to tossing the tampons in the cabinet. This tale really brought us lurkers out of the comment closet!

[Beebs]

You are simply tooooo funny!! It's fun being "over the hill, like I am. Very liberating.

[Adrienne]

Oh dear... oh my. LOL
Another diva cup user here. No tampons, sorry.

[Cathy]

Here's yet another user of a diva cup--definately worth the cash, in my opinion, and it evens out to costing less than a box of tampons a year. But should you show up here, I think I still have some tampons from before I got it, kept on hand for emergencies from the few guests that visit.

[Mary K. in Rockport]

It's such a good thing when all that is over. My daughters (here comes TMI) use those pills where they can just eliminate 3/4's of the trouble. Lucky them.

[Cheryl S.]

I actually noticed last year that the breast care center had tampons and pads in the changing room when I had my mammogram.

TMI: I had to wear BOTH tampons and overnight pads for a couple of years before I got tired of it and had the old uterus yanked. And even then, sometimes I leaked. Life is good now.

[whitney]

This post totally cracked me up! My group of friends (myself included) have all been switching over to using the cup (yay, TMI!), which causes similar problems for the few women in our group who don't. Us cup-users are totally useless when it comes to carrying extra necessities.

[Mary Fran]

Good lord! What a nightmare! Hilarious story, though. I just love all the changes three children have caused in *that* department. Have to say that the idea of the cup really grosses me out, though. TT: Missed yesterday because I was in NYC for work - there and back on the Acela. Love train travel!

[Elizabeth]

My laugh for the day, although not as funny for you, of course, only in the retelling.
I use a Diva Cup too, so much better but I still keep an emergency tampon in my purse - old habit, I guess.
I did wonder about the full body scan/inderwear issue. Thanks for clearing that up.
The things we learn over at Norma's.

[AnnaMarie]

Tried the Diva Cup. Tried the Keeper. Apparently if you haven't had children these don't always, well, fit I guess is the word.

Finally after almost 20 years my husband has convinced me that Commando at home is de rigueur. I suspect he has ulterior motives....

[Annie]

Can't believe you told that whole story without a single "fer fucksakes!"

[Doreen Frost]

This is hysterical. So happy to have found your blog...and another vermonter!!! I shall be adding you to my VT bloggers list :)

by the way...my daughter and her boyfriend....don't like to wear underwear either!!!

Have a fantastic day,
Doreen

[Rachel]

Hahaha,,, aren't we all lucky our Margene needs to be entertained these days?!? :)

As liberated as I am, I always knew those thongs are good for nothing! LOL

[Sheila]

Well that was just funny! I think we have all been there at some time so that's what makes it so laughable. And please tell me when these things are supposed to stop. I'm 56, fer gosh sakes, shouldn't that count for something?

And I think that charitable organization to raise funds for tampon machines (or feminine hygeine machines, if you prefer) is a great idea. Just think of the TV ads and telethons!

[Kym]

Norma, you are just too funny! Thanks for that. I have always wondered what, exactly, was the purpose of underpants? They always cause so much. . . trouble. . . with the lines and the riding up, etc! I always wondered what the boys were getting so excited about, back in 4th grade, when they used to look under our dresses. I mean, shoot, all they saw were our Carter's underpants. Not exactly a thrill. . .