Camnesia (and other camera-related maladies) Strike(s) Again

I have a double defense I wish to plead:

a) It was tax day. I remind you I am self-employed. The IRS hates me. The feeling is mutual.

b) Not only was it tax day, but it was college financial aid form day. Which is a futile exercise (the bastards), but one which has to be attempted. Tuition watch:  $43,890 next year. Kill me. Kill me now.

I was up 'til the wee hours weeping, then filling out the damn forms. And weeping some more. Then I had to get up at seven freaking o'clock to go to work. Don't laugh. That is a totally uncivilized hour -- I don't care what you say.

So it was a beautiful day. Even in my sleep-deprived state, it was hard to be grumpy. The weather was glorious and my deposition today was in one of the prettiest places in Vermont. I even remembered to bring my camera. Hey, it's a step. 

Several times I wanted to take photos of our bumps (Margene has mountains, we have bumps, she says), but when I saw the most picturesque scenes, I was driving and couldn't pull over.  I wanted to take a picture of Lee Ann's favorite thing on I-89. But there was a ton of traffic (by Vermont's standards -- come on, give me a break) and the highway crew was cleaning up trash right there, so I couldn't stop.

I wanted to take a picture or two of the sky for The Sky-Watcher.

I was hoping that the Notch Road would be open for the season so I could have a close encounter with a moose or bear. Not that that has ever happened to me, but it's happened to just about everyone else I know, so I keep up the hope.

But then I remembered I had to deliver some transcripts to Burlington, which meant even if the road were open (I never did find out if it was, but it's rather doubtful), it made no sense to go that way since it takes me too far from Burlington.  So I drove home with my new moonroof open, listening to Lectures 8-11 and saying "Oh!" and "D'oh!" a lot when I drove past photogenic things but realized they were photogenic too late to act upon them.

Have I mentioned I love my moonroof? Little old, plain old Norma with a moonroof.  It's a bit much to bear, really.

I came home and I was so drunk on the sunshine and warmth that I decided to put on my hiking shorts and my hiking boots and grab the camera and Vincent and head up to the little bump behind my house. (That one is TRULY a little bump.)  As I climbed up our steep backyard to the street behind the house, I bumped into my neighbor and his little girl, who had also just entered the street.  "You going to Hard'ack?" I say.  "Yup."  "Me too!"

So I handed the leash to six-year-old Alexandra (little girls love little white Bichons...) and we make our way to the opening of the trail together. This was going to be good for photo ops.

We were no more than three feet inside the trail when we saw a woman walking a massive Newfoundland. Did I say "massive Newfoundland"? Wicked redundant.

Poor Vincent (and I) nearly expired. Vincent didn't even engage in the usual small yippy-dog stupidity. He just nearly fainted. I'm not kidding. I've never seen anything like it. I was so afraid that Alexandra was going to let go of his leash and he was going to do the stupid-yippy-dog thing and it would be all over. But he didn't. He melted and turned into a puddle of goo. He saw his life flash before his eyes, I am sure of it. He thought, "My mommy has brought me to the dark woods to sacrifice me to the great dog in the sky."   

I managed to pick him up and the Newfie came over. Vincent weighs 11.7 pounds with his leash and collar on. I know this because he was just at his annual checkup appointment where he was weighed. The Newfie?  His tongue probably weighs that much. His owner, in a voice with an accent I could not distinguish, hastened to tell me, "He's very good. He is very friendly." 

Yeah. I'm a heathen. I'm an atheist. But I believe in the God of Instinct. Give a nice tender juicy white pretty morsel to a giant bear of a dog....and well, the God of Instinct is just gonna take over.  And there I was, holding Vincent in my arms, trying not to pee my pants and let the big dog know I was scared shitless.

The Newfie then did what every self-respecting dog would do.  He marched right over to us, where he stood as high as my shoulders. I was covering up the most logical place on Vincent for him to sniff (and I think you know where that is), so what did he do instead? He started licking Vincent's privates. Slobbery (but gentle, I will admit) licking of poor little fainted Vincent in my arms. Could there BE anything more humiliating? I wonder if Vincent will ever forgive me.

I wish I got a picture, but I was busy trying not to get eaten. Or licked. Gently. Because he was a very gentle Newfie.

Comments

[margene]

No excuses as I have taken my life in my hands many a time just to get pictures for the blog while driving (with my knees). But you made up for the camnesia because I can just see you and V with the Newfie...that is a picture to remember! LOL

[Lucia]

Big dogs do tend to be much gentler than they look. Still, I would have had camnesia too. You got me to laugh anyway.

[Cara]

Poor Vincent! I'm sure he will forgive you the humiliation - he probably just feels lucky to have come away with his privates intact. ;-)

[Mary]

Newfies average 150 lbs., or so the owner of one told me. You did much better than I. I was over having dinner at a friend's place. Sullivan came over and put his head on my lap. I started to cry, I was that frightened... I know they're gentle, really. I just have unresolved BIG dog issues from when I was 3 and a Great Dane or three ran me down...fun!

[Carole]

At least you recognized it for a Newfie and not a bear! Love this post, Norma - you've covered good ground. Hee!

[rock chick]

Soooo, took Vincent into the woods for a little Vermont Brokeback Bump, eh?

[Kathy]

Poor Vincent -- the humiliation! Of course, you'll know tomorrow if he wants to go back up there. I also love those whales on 89 -- so funny!

[Reagan]

I laughed and laughed and laughed so hard that I scared the cats. I have dog sat TWO Newfies, a dad and son pair and soooooooooooo understand. They are gentle, but HUGE dogs and man do they drool. I'm glad you got out safe and sound with only licked privates to talk about cause you could have been mounted and humped by the Newfie. Please, don't ask me how I know as I'm trying to forget! Thanks for the laugh.

[Chris]

Oh, Vincent, the shame, the shame. You must pee in her shoes every night for a month.

[Kat]

My SIL is from Stowe, the wedding up there was a week long blast. I loved driving the Notch Road.

[--Deb]

Oh, tell Vincent I'm sorry. I'm sitting here chuckling--poor baby!

[Vicki]

Oh my god. I was locked in a cage with a St. Bernard once, when I was 10 or 11 (because *someone* found it amusing) and, personally, I think Vincent and I are members of a very noble, very exclusive club -- survivors, really -- neither of us having peed our pants (or whatever) when face to face (or whatever) with a massive, giant bear of a dog. Yeah. ; )

[Kris]

Awww, poor Vincent. The only Newfie (the dog that is) that I have met was extremely gentle, but massive!

[Lyn]

Oh Norma - this totally cracked me up! Best blog entry ever. I have a Newfie and a 10.6 pound Shih Tzu and do you want to know who the boss of our house is? It is the tiny little Madame and NOT the gentle giant. I'm sure you and poor Vincent were very frightened but I will bet you anything the Newf just wanted to be friends. Really and truly ;)

[Cookie]

He will need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

[naomi]

I'm with you on the reasonability of 7am. And I have to be out the door, with a poster to present, by 7:30 tomorrow.

[Kathy]

Awwww....Newfies are huge, but they are just the sweetest dogs. And they can afford to be, since everything else is tiny in comparison. No threat out there, anywhere.

Oh, and I am completely with you on early mornings. Seven o'clock is for sleeping and hopefully dreaming of something nice, not for stumbling out of bed and grabbing clothes. My condolances.

[Rabbitch]

Bwaaahaaahaaaa! *koff*

I mean, poor vincent.

Dude, Newfies are sweet, they wouldn't hurt him or you. Well, not unless he didn't let them lick his privates. *g*

[Sarah]

Ahhh poor Vincent. You should look for my Dad when you go to Hard'ack - really big guy who walks a little black cockapoo named Louie. My Dad is big like a newfie but gentle too...and he won't lick anything. No promises for Louie though.

I am so jealous...I can't wait to be in VT this summer!

[sandy]

Ah, but I feel as if I were there still!
xo

[jpt]

So are you counting that as a bear encounter or a moose encounter? (There was a neighborhood Newfie in Providence. Dunno what his real name was, we just always referred to him as Bear because that's exactly what he looked like.)

[Laurie]

RockChick has me on the floor. I'll get up in a few hours and continue on with my day.

[JoVE]

As far as I know all Newfoundland dogs are friendly (people, too, for that matter). But you do not want to run into one at the beach. Their instinct is to save people. If you are in the water, they think you need saving. This is very useful if you are a fisherman and fall in. Less so if you are trying to go for a swim.

Your government astounds me. For all the talk of entrepreneurialism, and the importance of market principles, you'd think they want people to start their own businesses. Encourage. Help. Not penalize them on their taxes. When I started my business I went for a very handy half-day seminar down at the Canada Revenue Agency which gave me lots of information on taxes and what I needed to do. The woman running it is a tax inspector. The ethos of the agency is that it is a lot cheaper to run seminars and help folks when they are starting out than to spend all kind of energy on audits when things go wrong later. (I think that is 'an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure'.) I even phoned a provincial tax guy at 8 a.m. with a stupid question about sales tax and he was REALLY helpful.

Those tuition fees are obscene.

[Wendy]

I think Vincent needs a day at the doggie spa being pampered to get over the experience.

[hillary]

The horror! Poor Vincent!

[Laura]

Aww my gosh I just woke the babies laughing. heh Too tooo TOOOOOO funny!!!!!

[Kirsten]

As a mom with two kids who had darn well better go to college, I reacted to that tuition figure much like poor Vincent reacted to the Newfie. Regrettably, college financial aid departments are rarely as gentle as big dogs.

[Ellen]

My son's in college too, and his tuition is also more than someone's (ok, lots of people's) yearly salary. I can only hope he gets a REALLY GOOD job after he graduates.

[Paul]

I'm sure that Vincent will never be the same! Did he at least get the phone number of the very friendly Newfie??

[claudia]

You win the painfest award.

I think Vincent will need therapy.

[Kim]

Poor Vincent---I can just see it! Bailey would have tried to rip the massive Newfie to shreds, since he has a misplaced sense of testosterone. We're getting that taken care of tomorrow. Yep, that's right. Bailey is a man that loves me, loves me, loves me---and I'm having him emasculated. Muuuuhahahahaa!!!

[Lois Brooks]

Poor Vincent - and poor you - I'd have fainted along with him!

We're heading up to Stowe to stay ar our Trapp Family timeshare in a week - can't wait! Hope the weather is good (no snow) but actually I just need to veg for a week.

[Wanda]

Ohmygosh Norma, that is so funny! Poor, poor Vincent. I think I would have peed my pants. I'm scard sh*tless of most large dogs let alone something as big as me, if not bigger. Yikes! At least Vincent escaped mostly unscathed, although not unlicked!

[Scout]

Wicked redundant.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I love it when you and Dave say wicked. Makes me feel like I'm back home....

[Jenn]

Cousin, I'm crying at work I'm laughing so hard. It's just wrong to make me cry at work. I can just see little Vincent Bichon freaking the fuck out. Those dogs weigh more than I do.

[Elizabeth]

My sister and her husband had the largest Bouvier de Flanders that you've ever seen ( Most common name for Bouviers: Bear)
The problem was he thought he was a LAP dog, although he couldn't fit on anyone's lap. He also loved me and would put his paws on my shoulders to give me a kiss on the face (blech) This would almost knock me over (and disgust me) I'm 5'8" and he would be as tall as me on his hind legs. They don't really mean to scare the bejesus out of you, really.
Poor Vincent. ( My daughter would love to walk Vincent)

[Juls]

Ahhh, we wanted a Newfie so badly when we were looking into getting a dog. We met many friendly ones (and their breeders) and realized--they drool a lot! Ultimately, we decided it unfair to the Newfie unless we were willing to take them to the water frequently. Those dogs really need their swimming! We settled on a nice mutt instead. Hope your little guy has recovered.

[Jennifer]

Hmm...this post reminds me of something that happened last summer. We were walking our medium sized dog (chow/lab mix) in our usual walking spot when this horse-sized great dane comes loping up and our dog, who is a "queen bee" type of dog, actually rolled over onto her back and showed her belly she was so frightened. The great dane was the sweetest dog ever and really just wanted to play but Leah was completely freaked out by him.

I'm glad to hear that nothing more traumatic than a little licking happened to Vincent.

[Jena (the yarnharpy)]

I have never met an unfriendly Newfie. However, no matter how gentle and sweet they are (and they really are) they are so big that gentle becomes a relative term. :)

[Amy Lu]

Poor Vincent, I wonder how much doggy counseling costs? Have you ever watched the Dog Whisperer on Nat'l Geographic channel? He would've been a good one to have along on that walk! :-)

[regina]

poor vincent. and he'll never know how hard i laughed at rockchick's comment, but I still feel a wee bit guilty about it.

[Sue]

Vinent will forgive you, I’m sure of it. He may never want to take a walk with you again, but he will forgive you nevertheless. ;-)

[Beth S.]

There are just no words. I'm trying, but... I've got nothing.

;-)

[Carrie]

LMFAO, I'm sorry but that's freaking hilarious. Newfies are like whales - the only time they might eat Vincent is if one of them were lying on the ground with his mouth open and Vincent wandered in accidentally.
And JoVE, in this country, the IRS is peopled mainly with sadistic individuals. (Somewhere, my name just went on the "full body audit" list.) They LIKE to nail you.

[Katherine]

I've never even seen a Newfoundland. Sounds nice, but I don't like slobber too much.

A few years ago I visited a house where they owned some kind of hug lab/mastiff mix. I have never seen a larger dog. He was very calm, though. He came out of the house, sat down in front of me, and leaned on me, asking to be petted. As I complied, he leaned further and further into me until... I fell down. Sure glad he was gentle.

[Imbrium]

The Boyfriend's parents used to raise Great Danes. They were originally bred for hunting lions, and most of them instinctually protect anything smaller than them. Therefore, it fell to the Boyfriend (he was six or seven at the time) to break up the inevitable dog fights. He would just step between the two fighting dogs, and both would immediately back down.

I'm glad it worked, but I can't imagine sending my child in to break up a dog fight!

[KnittyOtter]

Did the big doggies owner stop it?? o.0

Where have manners gone? For doggies that's even a bit much.

[Kristen]

Oh. My. God. I just read the tuition number and the world went black... Ayiee, Norma!

[Marika]

Totally uncivilized hour.
Couldn't have said it better.....

And poor Vincent.... not only being licked, he's being laughed at..... but who could resist?

[mamacate]

Those big dogs are usually total sweeties.

Yeah, the IRS and I have a few things to say to each other too.

Just think: LAST YEAR OF TUITION. What will you do with all the money after that? No buying alpacas, my dear.